The Temporary Life

Um, so, I was doing laundry tonight where I'm currently staying when I went down to retrieve my clothes from the dryer and discovered they were gone! I couldn't believe my luck. Someone had stolen my clothes! Just as I was about to confront the person I thought was the culprit, some guy showed up with a bag full of my clothes. WTF? Why did he have them? Was he doing something with them? I seriously have the worse luck. I need to be put out of my misery.

It's been exactly a week since I was unexpectedly displaced from my home thus being made homeless. It's the things you don't see coming that affect you the most. Despite all the trauma and stress I've experienced this week, I think the last few days have turned out okay. Tomorrow I will start moving into my new place and will finally have a normal life again. Hopefully. I'm dreading moving. Moving is never fun. This week has been difficult to balance everything, especially an active social life. Wednesday I found a place to live and partied with two handsome Frenchmen (I desperately want to go to France!). Thursday I went to the opening party of Artropolis, networked, and drank way too much free wine. Open bars are a bad idea for me. After, I met up with a friend and had more to drink. Friday I saw the legendary Steve Albini's (he worked with Nirvana for godsakes) band, Shellac, play a benefit show. I ran into a few people I hadn't seen in a while there, so it was good to reconnect with them. I proceeded to sleep until late Sat. afternoon, then went back to Artropolis to see some more amazing art. If I was a rich girl and if I had a home of my own, I'd purchase some of it. It's strange to think I'm immersed in the art world, but it does make some sense because I've always loved to draw and did consider going to art school at one point. I want to learn more about art and go to more openings. They usually have free booze at these openings, too. Yesterday my 12 year old nephew kept calling me begging me to come home and see him. There's nothing quite like the guilt trip of a child. I told him I couldn't come and I felt so bad about it, but driving 5 hrs would've probably killed me.

I keep wondering why I'm such a fuck up. At least, it appears like I'm one. I have bad luck at living situations, jobs, and relationships. I need to change my energy somehow. Do I really make such poor decisions? Am I that naive? Certain situations seem like a good idea at the time, but quickly sour. I think it comes down to I'm not committed. I don't want to sign a long term lease because there is a part of me who doesn't want to live here for the next year. I don't want to commit to relationships because I'm not going to settle for less and there is a part of me who is still somewhat attached to Ex Boyfriend. I know if I got into another serious relationship, I wouldn't see/talk to him as much and then I'd really have to let go. I then gravitate towards guys where it's very casual. Casual relationships take up less time and you can easily get out of them. Plus the attention is always nice. It's like a new adventure every couple of months. I have begun to notice a common thread running through all the guys I meet. They all have good taste in movies and music, they all have a sense of style, they all know at least one person I know, they all are creative, and they all are intelligent with a good sense of humor. But, if I were to fall into a real relationship, there is one person I would consider. If this person told me we could be together, I'd drop everything and run off with him with no questions asked. This may or may not happen anytime soon.

With the jobs I've had, I've hated all of them and feel what's the point in getting locked into something I have no desire to dedicate my life to. More than anything, I wish I could forgo having to have a stupid, boring job and make a living writing full time. With my current job, I couldn't even begin to explain what I do. This is bad. I have no idea what I'm doing. I wish I had an extra 40 hours a week to focus on my writing, especially writing a book. Despite my temporary life, I'm okay. I'm having fun. I constantly meet a lot of interesting people and do a lot of cool things. I wouldn't change that for the world. I have to be social. It's the only way I can survive nowadays. Maybe I'm doing what I need to do. I think I'm a lot happier than I was a year ago. I'm actively pursuing my goals, but I feel like I could always be doing more. I wouldn't trade my temporary life for a settled, complacent, domestic life. The idea of having a house and a family doesn't appeal to me at all. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of experiences to go through. I just want to quit getting my ass kicked. I want to quit having the rug pulled out from under me. My life changes on a weekly basis. I know my friends and family are probably sighing thinking, "Oh my, what'll happen next to her? What now?" So in the meantime, I guess I'll have to continue in my limbo state going from guy to guy, moving from place to place, job to job, and working hard at my craft until I find something that'll satisfy me. I know stability is out there for me, but it's going to take some more time and patience. Until then, bring on the dancing horses.