Licking My Wounds

I give up. No, really, this time I'm serious. As of right now, I'm no longer getting involved with any guys. I will never date or hook up with anyone again. I will get my self to a nunnery as soon as possible and be a disciple of God. I will start blogging from church. God will be my boyfriend. Okay, enough with the hyberboles. If I had a million dollars for everytime I heard the "let's be friends" or "I'm not looking to start anything now" speech, I'd be a multi-millionaire by now. Since this happens quite frequently with me, I started to think maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I propel men. Then I realized what guy wouldn't love someone as cute, and smart, and charming as me? I began to realize I attract the wrong guys. I attract the non-committal ones maybe because I'm very non-committal. I attract guys with "issues" who for some reason can't seem to get over their ex girlfriends even if they did break up a couple of years ago. I think guys pine for girls longer than we pine for them. This is true. Women get over men quicker than they get over us. Women are stronger in that area than men. I'm sick of guys who are so fucked in the head they don't realize what great opportunities (ie, me) is in front of them. I'm sick of guys toying with my emotions and giving me mixed signals. Why can't relationships be easy? Why can't it be like: "Well, you like me and I like you, so let's be together." Why do we create gray areas? Why can't it be like it was in middle school with a check box: "If you want to go out with me, check yes or no." I don't want to keep meeting new guys because everytime it leads to disaster. I don't want a quick fix or random hookup because the euphoria will quickly dissolve and leave you feeling empty. A spooning buddy would be okay, but even that is complicated for some fellas. I will try my best to keep everything on the friendship tip.

I think it's okay to harbor feelings for your past loves. I'm still not over Ex Boyfriend and maybe I'll never get over him, but I think you can move on in your own way. I've moved on for the most part, but of course it'll always hurt a little. The cuts are deep. But I've realized there are worthwhile people out there to explore, then again, those never amount to what I want them to be. We all have issues and emotional baggage that we bring into relationships. You just have to accept it and be aware of it and not let it consume you. I just want to scream to certain guys (plural) to just get over it all ready! Quit living in the past! Move on, already! I really don't have any answers right now. I think maybe I should be alone for a while since I really haven't been. Okay, there is one thing. There's one person I need to try with. I have to take a risk with this person. I'm terrified of rejection, but it's my final hope. If this person rejects me, then I'm officially checking myself into a nunnery. When the timing is right, I will go in for the kill. This may be my last chance of finding happiness with someone. I also think I'd much rather be depressed when it comes to relationships because the idea of being happy seems boring. Great drama and songs are all about love gone wrong. It makes for better movies.

I've bitched enough. I could stay hope and mop all night, but there are places to go and people to see. I have to work on Monday and next weekend I'm off to Washington D.C, baby!! I'll post more on that later. I need to quit staying out until 3am on weeknights. Some things I learned this week: if you allow a guy to give you a massage in a bar, be prepared to offend someone. Also, Christians don't like it when you inadvertently mock them.

One final note. A dear friend of mine is going far, far away tomorrow. I'm dedicating this song, Summer in the City by Regina Spektor to this person. Tu me manques beaucoup! Revient tout de suite!