Summer Malaise

I've officially made myself sick with all the activity of late. Going to Pitchfork for three days, then going to a show Monday night and last night have decreased my immunity. I'm really congested. It's summer for chrissakes! I seem to catch colds a lot in the summer. I blame it on the Double Door. I went to show there Monday and it was hot as hell in there--no a/c. It was cooler outside and that's when I began to feel ill. At least the concert was good. I saw Maximo Park there and I am now enamored with the lead singer. I think it's silly to fantasize about rock stars or sleep with them, but if I could sleep with any rock star, it would be him.

Tonight my friend and I went to dinner because we had a gift certificate. We didn't exactly read the fine print which mentioned the discount was only good if you spent $35 or more. After we got the bill, we realized this so we proceeded to order more drinks and dessert. I'm thinking it wasn't really worth it if we had to pay something. I continue to search for a job to no avail. I'm seriously stuck. I can't do anything I hate, can't do anything I like. I keep sending out writing clips but most of the time don't hear back. All I want is to make a living at freelancing, but it's difficult especially when some of the publications that do pay take months to pay me. I still have yet to receive money from New City and am worried I'll never see it. So, all I can do is wait for something to come along. I'm sick of people asking me about my job situation since it makes me feel like I'm a slacker even though I'm very proactive and apply for at least one job a day and have joined four temp agencies who apparently have no work for me. I did have a dream the other night where I got called in for a job interview. I also had a separate dream the same night where I was working at an office who had a bomb threat. Keifer Sutherland of 24 was there. Interesting and scary. I feel as if I've paid my dues so something really needs to happen for me. Soon. Now. I also really need to focus more and maybe that's my biggest problem. I'm so scattered, being pulled in all sorts of directions with boy drama, social activities and such. But I get bored easily and hate staying at home. I should just focus on the job situation but at the same time, my career and my social life are intertwined. You never know who you'll meet. I also keep thinking how nice it'd be to move to New York and how I really want to go overseas. The thing is, it takes money to travel. Money makes the world go around. If I had a lot of money, I could do anything I want. Sucks. My 30th b-day is looming. In less than two months I'll hit the big 3-0, but it doesn't really matter since all the time people are like: "So, what school do you go to?" Part of me wants to throw a big bash, another part wants to get the hell out of the country. I'm hoping my 30s will be so much better than my angst ridden 20s. I'm hoping I'm getting all the bullshit out of the way so when I do turn 30, it'll all come together for me, somehow. I understand things improve considerably in your 30s.

As for the guy situation, things have calmed down considerably from the past two weeks. Now I'm getting restless again. I think all of my love interests have fizzled. I'm thinking none of them are worth my time and energy. There are issues with all of them. I want it to be there across the board and it's not with any of them. As my friend said, I need to draw some boundaries. I think this is sound advice and I will try to follow it. It just doesn't feel right with some of them. As much as I'm drawn to unstable guys, sometimes you just have to cut your loses and heed to the warning signs. You can't force things, either. Some of these guys really need to mature and get their shit together. And yet there is still that one guy, that only guy who I hang out with on a regular basis with and have a completely platonic relationship with, the one guy where it could be everything I want it to be--but the timing is so off. I shouldn't stress about this but I sometimes I think I should leave Chicago because I have simply crossed the line with so many people and thus have created very awkward and subtextual situations. But knowing myself, I know I will continue to get entangled in complicated situations.

I just wish some things in my life were a little more settled. I did finally sign a lease so there's that, but we still need a third roommate. My friend may move in which would be cool because I'd much rather live with someone I know, but I have a feeling he's going with another place. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'll just be glad when my current roomie moves out. So annoying. I'm counting the days. I also will probably be going home this weekend to deal with the damage of my mom's house. Sifting through my childhood room may be a bit traumatic, but it needs to be done.

Well, now I must finish all the writing I have to do. That's one good thing about not working is I'm more productive during the day. I write all day then go out at night. It makes me less stressed to meet deadlines because when I have to balance a job, it's harder to get things done, especially get things done well. Now if only I could get paid more, I'd be set.