Futile

I'm almost one whole week into being 30 and I can say not much has changed. It's not like I'd thought my life would drastically change, that all of a sudden everything would magically reverse itself, but I suppose it's going to take some time. I'm glad it's over with, though, because the anticipation leading up to my b-day was excruciating. Just let me be 30 already! I've been really frustrated lately. No surprise there. There are two people in particular whom I really like but whom won't acquiesce to me in the way I want them to. It's beginning to give me a complex. There's mainly one in particular. We spend so much time together but yet this person has never made a move on me. What gives? Then again, I think maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe my mentality is screwed up considering on my b-day I blew through the remaining platonic guy friends I had. Because I can't have this person makes me want it even more. I even have dreams where we're together. Damn. It's an exercise in futility I suppose. And there's another person who I have crossed the line with in the past but it ended oh so abruptly. I really would like a second chance and in the past, I've been really lucky in having second chances with guys--even if it was months later. So, I'm hoping I can break this person down, break the barrier and have it my way. Afterall, being 30 is getting what you finally want--whatever that is. And finally there is another person I see once in a while who I'd like to see more frequently but there are circumstances sometimes. Take what you can get, I guess.

I've been doing more things at my internship lately. The other day I actually interviewed someone on the spot. I'm not sure if this will be my first article for Time Out, but I liked doing it. I really hope some sort of job pans out for me there or I'm screwed. I work hard and don't even mind doing the tedious stuff. I just wanna do an excellent job and impress people and prove I'm worthy. I also don't mind doing fact checking. I kind of like it because I love to prove people wrong and find mistakes.

Tomorrow night I'm going to stay at my friend's farm an hour and a half away from here. A few of us are going up there. I don't know how I feel about it. Part of me is excited to do something new, but I'm not a country girl at all. It's like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie goes to Aidan's cabin for the weekend and freaks out and decides she's a city girl. That's me alright. It's only for one night so I'm sure I'll be okay. I don't know what I have against farms since I spent a huge chunk of my youth riding horses in Ohio and Kentucky at farms. I hate feeling isolated. I'm not looking forward to all the driving I have to do, either. On Saturday we're going to a town called Galena where apparently Ulysses S. Grant is from or something. That's another hour from the farm. I have to be back in Chicago by Saturday evening for a concert so hopefully everything will run smoothly (knock on wood).

Also this week I made amends with the friend I was pissed off at last week. I realized I overreacted a little and things got slightly out of hand. At least this person is aware of the previous actions. I'm more bitter about the other person involved in the situation. I realize now whatever was between us is now officially over. There's no going back this time. I'm done.

The next couple of weeks are going to be slightly crazy for me. Next weekend I'm going to NYC for a bachelorette party. I will be missing out on some shows and a friend's party, but oh well. Then I come back on a Monday night, am in Chicago for three days, then have to go to Ohio to be in the wedding. In between coming back from NY and going to Ohio, I have 2 concerts to attend. Then the day after the wedding, I have to come back to Chicago for yet another show. Whew. It'll be interesting to see if I can pull all of this off and still be functional. I read some horoscope recently saying my life is chaotic but in a good way. That I thrive on it being so. As crazy as it all sounds, I wouldn't have it any other way.