Just Shoot Me

I'm feeling really worn down today. It's probably a combination of lack of sleep and irregular sleep. My sleep cycle is so messed up. I stay up way to late or I'll do this thing where I'll come home and take a nap then won't be able to fall asleep. I keep waking up really early and then having trouble falling back asleep. For once I'd like to be able to just sleep soundly through the night. I'm feeling a little stressed, too. I have way too much going on. Last night I went to an open bar. Three hours of free Corona and a buffet! I stayed later than I should've. Tonight is going to be the killer. What I need to do after work is go all the way to Evanston to review an art show then possibly hit up another open bar event and then possibly hit up two, definitely one concert tonight and still wake up early to drive all the way to Ohio. Whew. I have two writing assignments that gotta be done by this weekend and I have to do wedding stuff all weekend and then somehow make it back Sunday for another show. I do not know why I take on so much. Eventually some things get left behind. I'm looking forward to tonight because supposedly a certain someone will be accompanying me and it's been a while since we've hung out alone and I admit I have certain expectations that probably will go unfulfilled.

Tomorrow night is the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner for my friends wedding. I haven't really given it much thought yet. I'm happy for them, really, but I would like to relax, too. It's going to be so chaotic driving home, doing the wedding, then coming back. I will try to enjoy myself though and suck up having to be "girly" for the duration of the weekend. Lately, I've been feeling sort of down on myself. A couple of my friends have sparked with people and I'm happy for them, but at the same time I start to panic that'll never meet anyone, that'll be left in singledom forever. I think I've exhausted my current potentials/options. On the other hand, I don't want to meet any new people. I feel it's all so futile sometimes. I just wish certain someones would just acquiesce to me already so I wouldn't have to keep starting over. Sometimes I think I'm inadequate, like I'm not attractive enough, that I'm too fat, etc. Maybe I should dress more slutty. I don't know. It's all very frustrating and I'm tired of trying to analyze it and figure it out. Sometimes I just want to cry or shut them out, really give up on it for once.

So, hopefully I'll make it through tonight and this weekend and then my life can go back to being more normal instead of all this traveling I've been doing. Just gotta focus on the other stuff more.