This Will Be Our Year

I'm finally back in Chicago after a respite in Ohio. After a while, I just gotta get out of there. There aren't enough bars in the Dayton suburbs. Next year my family better come to me because I sure don't want to keep going home every year. Anyway, I'm back to my chaotic life in Chicago. I'm still fighting off a cold. I even have swollen lymph nodes. This can't be a good thing. I'll be really glad when the holidays are finally over with and everything can go back to normal, when everyone will be back in town, etc. I have no idea how this weekend is going to pan out, but I know it's going to be busy. I have a friends I need to see; my roommate will be having a friend in town and there are parties this weekend. I still have no idea what I'm doing for NYE. I'm not going to spend money at a bar and I really don't want to spend money period. That leaves hardly any options. New Year's sucks anyway so I don't really care what I do. I'm not expecting anything for this year. Suck it, NYE!

I keep thinking about the idea of New Year's and years in general. I think people really believe in the new year things will finally go their way. It's easy to fall into this trap. We think a new year will be a new year of optimism and possibility--finally, I'll get it right! But it never works this way. Quickly, the optimism fades and all the bad stuff seeps in. And how do we gauge what's considered a bad or good year? If a lot of bad stuff happens we immediately write it off as a bad year, like breaking up with someone or having a car drive through your house. Bad things are constantly happening in our lives but I guess it's if it's spread out or all at once. I think I'm at the point where every year blends together. We break up time with years, although time is always ticking and moving forward. I'll never understand why at the end of the year everything seems to fall apart. Is it to sorta have everything break apart so in January we can start anew with a fresh slate? Or is we're simply sick of the year and everything it stands for? January happens to be the slowest month of the entire year, so it takes time for things to kick start. I just know a lot of people right now going through some heavy stuff like moving, divorce, breaking up, financial issues, etc. When we wake up on Jan. 1st, nothing is going to be different. We are still going to be the same fucked up individuals except with a hang over. We then set goals or resolutions to better our lives, but how often do we really adhere to these things? There are a lot of things I'd like to change about my behavior or things I'd want to happen, but we only have a certain amount of control, I suppose. Right now we're in a strange transition period from ruminating about the year that was, letting go of it, and allowing ourselves to be open to the brand new year. I was talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago who was saying he felt an incredible amount of optimism at the beginning of this year and really felt things were going to go his way. That quickly diminished. But at least he had that sense of euphoria for a brief moment. Every year is different and of course 2007 was different from 2006. If everything stayed the same, something would be wrong. What do we expect, our lives to do 360's every year? I mean, it's a let down when we make goals and not meet them within the year.

I don't know what to expect in 2008 and I've given up trying to figure it all out. I really do feel I'm on the verge of something and that every year I get closer to something, whatever that is. I keep thinking how much more am I going to have to struggle and go without seeing my dreams turn into reality? How much longer am I going to feel scattered? I do feel that things changed a lot for me this year. There were some unfortunate events (homelessness) and some bright spots (all the new friends I made this year, unprecedented actually.) Some of my friends keep saying they need to go out more in the new year and drink more and be more social, but I feel the opposite. I need to calm down a little. I've had quite a crazy year. Sometimes I think a little too crazy, but when I'm old I can always look back on my crazy days. I don't necessarily want to settle, but I'd like more stability in my life. I just want to know the money will always be coming in and I'll always have a place to live and have the freedom to do the things I want like travel around the world. This time last year Europe wasn't even on my radar, but now it's all I think about.

I guess what I hope most for the new year is to have my expectations met. Everything has been so damn disappointing in all areas of my life. I just want something good to come of all this waiting and struggling and hard work. Going through all these emotions and obstacles has to be worth something, right? I don't know. I wish the best for everyone else in my life, too, because they deserve to have good things come their way. I can't do it alone. The best part about a new year is anything can and will happen. You just never know what's around the corner. Sometimes you have to roll with the punches though. There will be hard punches, but if we're lucky, there will also be rose gardens. Or something like that.

I like my horoscope for the week: "You sometimes entertain the fantasy that the less you need, the stronger you'll be....The upside is that you've learned many secrets about how to nurture and take care of yourself....but in 2008 you're more likely to resemble a tomato bush that gets watered regularly." I've certainly managed to get by on the bare minimum but sometimes I wish I could splurge more. Watered regularly can mean many things, but as long as it involves me staying alive, I'll see it as a good thing.