Everybody Hurts

I don't know what's wrong with me. The past day or so I've felt really down. I think it's a combination of a few things. First, yesterday my friend informed me his father died. This sent me into a tailspin of despair and sorta made me re-live my own father's passing. Maybe I was experiencing sympathy pains or something. I just think we're too young to be without our parents. I know he's okay and everything, but it still sucks to have to go through something like this. I wish I could see him right now and give him a big hug. I accredit my depression also to it having been V-Day. My platonic/single friends and I went to a bar and had a good time. We got free shots and beer, so it was worth it. But, it's just another reminder of how no one will ever love me again. Ha. Sometimes I like to feel sorry for myself. I'm frustrated with the guys in my life right now. There are obstacles and restraints and douchebagery going on. Will I ever get it right? Whatever. And finally, I'm just feeling the need to escape and disappear for a few days. Sometimes you just get to the point where you need a mini-vacation to get away from your familiar surroundings. I wish I had money to take a real trip. Traveling is supposed to be one of my goals this year, but so far I haven't gone anywhere, and if I do go places, it'll probably be the same places I went last year.

Despite all this other crap, what I'm really trying to focus on is my career because for the first time in my life, I think this might be attainable. I started my paid Time Out job this week and so far so good. It requires a lot of focus and concentration, but I like it. I think it's something I can handle. Plus they gave me a cool (paid) writing assignment. I just need to do a great job for them and not fuck it up. I've gotten this far, now only a little farther. On Tuesday, I interviewed for the actual job. I felt so nauseated before the interview I seriously thought I was gonna puke. Thank God I didn't. I felt the interview could've gone better, but I realize it's sorta moot. If they do hire me, it's not going to be because I told them I'm capable--I have to SHOW I'm capable, yunno? I'm already doing some things the job requires, so it's basically proving to them I'm qualified and can handle the work load and write really well. I seriously can't be distracted by certain things right now. And if I get the job, I'll get 2 weeks paid vacation at the end of the year meaning maybe, just maybe, I could go somewhere cool and new. I love working in music, but at the same time, I feel like I don't know enough. Granted I probably know more about music than most of my friends, but compared to other experts, I'm just a neophyte. I really need to listen to every band that comes my way, especially local bands, and read books and watch documentaries on different musical genres, read every publication possible, etc. I have to be aware of what's going on in the music landscape both locally and nationally so I can pitch ideas. I need to be voracious about it. This takes a lot of time, but it's something that has to happen. I need to educate myself since I've decided being a music journalist is what I want to be when I grow up. I feel like I can help promote bands through my writing and possibly make a difference.

Last night I watched the movie Lars and the Real Girl about a guy who's so lonely and messed up, he orders a doll and carries it around with him. The community and his family go along with his delusion. It's actually a good film and not zany like one would assume. In fact, no one really laughs at him; they just feel sorry for him. Maybe that's what I need--a male doll to carry around. No one would question it. Everyone would leave me alone. Or put me away. I've also been re-reading the novel Bright Lights Big City (yes, it was made into an awful Michael J. Fox movie). I read it a few years ago but re-reading it, it's speaking to me on a different level. The character in the book works in fact checking, something I know a thing or two about. He's living n NY and his wife left him. Slowly, his life begins to fall apart. The entire book is written in second person and we never know what his name is. I sorta borrowed the second person formula for some of the things I've written. It's such a well-written book using great vocab. I only wish I could write like that someday. It does stun me that the people I do know who are avid readers have never read this book. It's a shame, really. I know I've never read Notes from the Underground, but this book is also a classic and should be required reading.

So it's Saturday and I have a few things going on tonight. I didn't even go out last night--unprecedented. Sometimes you just need a night to yourself. There are a couple of parties tonight including a potluck (too bad I don't cook). Tomorrow night I'm going to see an awesome rock concert. I can't wait. In the meantime, I just gotta get myself together and focus on what I really want in all areas. I'm sure it'll eventually come to me, but now I must be patient and channel positive energy out there. I wish it was spring already. That will make a huge difference in my mood, too. Wait Until Spring, Bandini....