The Way the Cookie Crumbles

It's like negative something degrees outside right now. I really should've gone to CA this weekend as planned. It would've been nice to have seen my friends get married and have gone to the beach, but oh well. I suppose there was a reason I was meant to stay in town this weekend.

On Tuesday I have an informal interview for the Time Out job. I feel like Eminem in "8 Mile," that I have one shot to hit the big time. I'm going to prepare for the interview and do my best to wow them. If I don't get this, I'm seriously going to move home and sell my soul to some horrible corporate job. I need this so badly. And I think I deserve it. I'm so sick of struggling. I've made so many sacrifices to get to this point so it better pay off. People say things happen by 30. Make it happen.

Friday night I had a good night. I felt sorta good the next day. Then, this morning everything I had been feeling euphoric about was crushed to pieces. I've been watching a lot of "My So-Called Life" and there's a scene that sorta paralleled what happened. On the show, Angela makes out with her crush, Jordan. The next morning she's in a dreamy happy state. She thinks she's in love. A couple of days later, Jordan stands her up and doesn't show up for their date. The next day Angela is moping around, her heart shattered. I guess this is how I feel right now. I'm so sick of falling into old patterns, for getting my hopes up, for feeling any sense of emotion, for wasting my time with stupid situations that go nowhere. I'm not alone in this feeling, though. Over coffee today, my friend and I were talking how we should be with guys who wine us and dine us and genuniely want to be with us. My mom is always asking me why these guys I get involved with never take me out to dinner or buy me flowers, etc. She's right. I want someone to take care of me and pamper me and treat me with respect instead of just buying me a PBR once in a while (although I do like free drinks). And next week is Valentine's Day, just another thing to rub the past into my face. God, why can't I simply get over everything and move on? Why does it take so long? I keep telling myself, career first, then the right guy will manifest. So, this needs to be my focus: getting this job and kicking ass at it. But, I can't help it sometimes I get distracted. I don't understand why finding the right person is easy for some people. My girlfriends and I can't seem to get it together and we're all amazing women with a lot to offer. I just wish guys would quit being so dumb and misguided and realize this. I wish I would quit being so dumb and getting involved with guys who don't appreciate me and who only want me around when they want something. I want them to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world for them. And I'm speaking out for all women, here. We deserve better. Period.

Friday night I saw a good concert and tonight I'm seeing Cat Power. I've never seen her live so I'm really excited. Last night I went to my friends stand up comedy party and it was pretty cool except for the fact I drank a lot and fell asleep on the couch. Yesterday afternoon I went into Time Out and helped the marketing department organize their stuff, paid of course. The director took a bunch of us out to lunch and was asking everyone how old they were. One girl was like: "I was born in 1987." And then they asked me how old I was and I told them to guess and they thought I was 23. I never felt so old in my life. And this 20 year old was complaining how she didn't know what to do with her life. Wait till your 30 and still have no clue. Anyway, enough bitching. This is going to be my week. It just has to be.

I'm beginning to think wintertime brings out the worst in people.