Easter, the Symphony and Nachos

For the weekend, I went home to Ohio. It was the first time I'd been home since Xmas--probably the longest I've gone without going home since I moved to Chicago. Gas is so ridiculously expensive, no wonder I hardly travel anywhere. It decided to snow Friday night even though it's technically spring. I don't think this winter is ever going to end. At least it'll only get warmer from here, right? Being at home consisted of my brother continuously insulting me, my nearly 13 year old nephew beating me up, and my mom telling me she thinks I'm a lush. I guess writing things on here saying "I can't go more than three days without a drink" implies such a state. I didn't even drink this weekend. It was good to see my family, although Ohio is so damn boring. There was nothing good on cable, either. My mom informed me she's selling our house. This saddens me as it's been my home since my sophomore year in high school. Of all the places I've ever lived, it's been the longest (even though I haven't really lived there in years). Wherever my mom moves, it won't be home. I suppose change is good sometimes. It's just a hard thing to accept.

On Friday night, I think I went on a date. My friend took me to the symphony and all my friends and family are like: "It's a date!" First of all, the tickets were free. This person picked me up, bought me champagne at the symphony and then dropped me off afterwards and did this thing where he waited until I safely went inside to drive away just in case a serial killer was waiting behind the door or something. Granted, I sorta liked the idea of it being a "date" but at the same time, I despise dating. When you go on a date, immediately there's expectations and pressure and thoughts of how the hell is this evening going to end? But this person is someone I constantly hang out with as "friends" so to assume such things is probably asinine of me. Back to the symphony. I made an ass out of myself. Everything was fine until the end. Hell, I even sorta enjoyed it. We were leaving when I realized I left my gloves. I started to walk back into the theater when some douchey security guard ran up to me and yelled at me for trying to walk in while the pianist was still playing. Oops. I'm so used to the casualness of rock concerts I wasn't thinking. Then of course when I went back in to get my gloves, I accidentally knocked some woman's purse over. She goes, "Excuse me!" in a very snotty voice. I apologized but she gave me this look like I had vomited on her. Bitch. I have a feeling I won't be returning anytime soon. I'm just not sophisticated enough for classy events.

Friday night conjured up what exactly a date consists of. If a guy pays, is it a date? I mean, all the time I go to concerts with guys and in exchange for me getting them in for free, they'll usually buy me some drinks. But, they also expect me to buy a round or so. Is going to concerts dates? Guys rarely buy me dinner or cook me food and I really wish they'd do that more. All I really want is a guy to buy me food and liquor. And maybe cuddle with me once in a while. I seriously have lowered my expectations. My mom was telling me in order to get to know someone, I have to actually go on an official date. This is where she's wrong. One reason I hate dates is because you put on airs and try to impress someone. Yunno, first impressions are the best. Therefore, you're not being yourself. But if you hang out casually with someone, you can be yourself even if that means hanging out with a group of people and drinking and what not. I hang out all the time with guys and feel I'm more comfortable with them in a dateless situation. But on some level, I like the idea of going to new places and having someone taking me out. But whatever. Someone gave me a challenge for the year: to find a guy to be attracted to who is completely available to me. You see, I always gravitate towards the ones I can't have...the ones with the girlfriends...the ones with the emotional problems. I love messes, you see. If you have a drinking problem, sign me up. A drinking problem AND a girlfriend, even better. I think I'm drawn to unavailable men because I fear commitment. I suppose if I met the right guy, it'd come together, but I run away from monogamy and towards instability. Crazies make life more interesting. It's my dad's fault really. And my ex-boyfriend's. But, I suppose we can change our patterns. So, I must now seek out a nice guy who's emotionally available to me, who doesn't have a ton of issues, who isn't exactly "safe." I hate it when I'm not challenged, though. Anyway, good luck to me. I keep thinking about the options in my life and even though a lot of these options probably aren't the best scenarios, they're my scenarios and I wouldn't have it any other way. And as someone asked me, would I miss them if they weren't in my life? You betcha. They all bring a certain flavor to my life that I need. They all play a certain role.

The week ahead is probably going to be another busy one. I'm working on a couple of articles with tight deadlines. I'm considering quitting my internship to become a paid freelancer. As long as I'm interning, no pay. I think it's time I moved on, but I'm on the fence. I'll miss coming into the office and I don't wanna give up the music listings writing. I guess I'll have to figure it out soon. More than anything right now, I want money--beyond anything. If I could make enough money with my freelancing, I'd be set. I don't want to have to sell out and get a stupid real job. I just need to hone my resources and see what happens. And do a kick ass job with my assignments.

One final story. So, Thursday night I went to a couple of bars. My friends and I went to one bar and they said their kitchen was closed. We were starving and went to 7-11 to get some snacks. I got some nachos. As I was waiting in line, so guy ahead of me goes to the cashier: "And I'll pay for her nachos." Um, thanks? It was so totally random. I thanked the guy and walked out. He saved me $3. Then we took the nachos back to the bar and they told us we weren't allowed to bring outside food in there, so we had to leave. My life is a constant random adventure.