Inappropriate Behavior

On Friday night, I experienced turtle racing at a bar. I think it's the only bar in town that hosts such an event. Basically, whenever you buy a drink, you get a ticket. If your number is called, you get assigned to one of six turtles. The winning turtle gets you a free t-shirt and the losing turtle gets you a free drink (so you kinda want your turtle to lose). Turtles are let out of a box and scurry across a table. The first turtle to hit the edge of the table is deemed the winner. There's a turtle named Jolanda that is the slowest turtle ever. If you get assigned her, you're guaranteed to win a free drink. One of my friend's won a free drink. It's such an insane concept, but the bar was packed and people love it. I wouldn't mind to go back again.

Also over the weekend, the boyfriend dragged me to see the new Bond film. Considering I haven't seen Casino Royale or any Bond film since the Timothy Dalton era, I was sorta lost. But, I think Daniel Craig makes a good Bond. I like the movie was written and directed by Oscar pedigrees Paul Haggis and Marc Forster. I still was bored, though.

I'm glad it's an abridged week. I'm looking forward to spending time with the family this week. I'm sick of the status quo of everything. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I'm already sick of the cold and sick of it getting dark early. Just sick of the weekly routine.

Lately, I've been having some relationship issues. I think the hardest part of being in a relationship is constantly feeling vulnerable. Most relationships are fragile and it's devastating if it doesn't work out. I'll admit I'm a constant worrier. I can't sleep at night because I worry so much. I'm a control freak. I'm insecure. I take everything personally. I suffer from paranoia, too. Sometimes when I'm sleeping alone at my place, I worry a killer is going to break in and murder me. I'm just a neurotic mess. I think sometimes I just prepare for the worse because if something bad happens, at least you can say you saw it coming. So, I feel this way about my relationship. I'm an insanely jealous person and sometimes react poorly. This is something I need to control better, but today I was thinking about male-female relationships and what's deemed inappropriate and appropriate when you're dating or married to someone. A part of being in a relationship is not being able to do what you want. If you wanted to do whatever you want, don't be in a relationship. Be single. That's the point of it. There needs to be boundaries and rules set. So, I was thinking, is it appropriate for a boyfriend/husband to have female friends? I mean, I don't see the point in it. It's unnecessary. It's one thing if you're dealing with the opposite sex in a business sense, but on a personal level not so much. I think it's okay to have "acquaintances" like be cordial to your significant others' friends and such, but is it okay to say, go out and get a drink with an attractive, single female when you have a significant other waiting at home? What's the point in doing that? If you have a significant other, you don't need these people. It can only lead to inappropriate behavior. Maybe I've seen too many movies or read too many books or seen it happen to friends, but men and women cannot be just friends. I know how it starts. An innocent conversation isn't so innocent. My mind is too warped and chaotic to relax about it. I'm not saying this has happened--because it hasn't--but it's something that shouldn't happen in any context.

So, is it okay for your boyfriend to engage in a 20 min. conversation, alone, with an attractive, single female the boyfriend just met when the girlfriend and the rest of the group are all hanging out across the room? I don't think so. I think my problem is I need the attention. I need to be showered in it or I get upset. I've always been this way. When I was little, I'd get so upset if my parents gave attention to another child. I worried that would entail them liking the other child more than me. I know that seems fucked up, but it's the way I've always felt. So, if the boyfriend is giving too much one-on-one attention to a female, the green headed beast appears. He should always be giving me the most attention of any female in the room. I guess these are my issues that I need to work through. Sometimes, I don't trust myself. In the past, I've been guilty of putting myself in compromising positions and I don't want to do that anymore. So, I avoid them. They are unnecessary to engage in. Did I mention I'm a little nutty? But if something makes you uncomfortable, you need to fix the situation so you don't feel that way anymore. I don't know if I can fix my jealously, but I can fix my behavior. The road to recovery is a long and hard one.