Contemplating Hashbrowns

Today is Saturday and I am at work. Allow me to reiterate: Saturday. Work. Then again, I volunteered to do this. I need the holiday cash. Only half the staff is here, so it's chill. Plus my boss, or whoever she is, brought us coffee and donuts. The lady sitting behind me keeps blasting her Beyonce, R&B bullshit. Everyone else wears headphones to listen to their music except her. I don't wanna hear "Deja Vu" blasting. It's so loud I can barely hear my own music. Disrespectful.

On the train this morning, I became frustrated. First, my earbuds have decided to malfunction. This is my second pair of earbuds that have malfunctioned in the past year. Now, I have to buy new ones. Then, the brown line shut down half way to downtown due to construction. So, I had to transfer to the red line, which is faster anyway. In the corner of the train was a freak show bunch of denziens. A Russian goth chick wearing all black except for her cell phone pouch that was a contradictory pink. WTF? Then another chick was reading some book with Militia in the title. Another girl had big headphones and a cd player. I constantly see people walking around with cd players which befuddles me. Haven't these people heard of the digital age? A device called the Ipod? Get with it.

I didn't go out last night, so I'm feeling unfullfilled today. I tried to go out, but my car was literally frozen shut. I didn't want to go out because I was tired, but I felt like I should force myself. Sometimes, I have the best time when I force myself to go out. But because of the blizzard we received yesterday and because I have to park my car on the street, the snow and ice combo didn't allow me to even pry my door open. I took it as a sign and stayed at home instead of meeting my magazine folks at the Darkroom. I haven't seen them in so long, so I feel bad. I hate it when I don't see people for a while. People need to stay in touch better.

Doing data entry all day, my thoughts wander, jump around like ping pong balls. Today I've been thinking about the looming age of 30. I know some people who turned 30 this year or will be hitting the mark. I think turning 30 has become arbitrary. I mean, it used to be by the age of 30, society said you should be married with kids and have it all figured out. Fuck that. I know a ton of 30 year olds who aren't settled. 30 has become the new 20 or something like that. I have a lot of friends who are younger than me, too. Like a year to six years younger. Sometimes I yearn for those carefree days of being 25 again. Time is just ticking away.

I've also been thinking about the concept of being free. Despite the fact I'm getting older, I've come to the conclusion I'm completely free. I'm not attached to anything. I'm not married, no kids, nothing. I have some friends who are married with kids and they all seem a bit regretful. They are stuck with this life forever and have succumbed. They have given up on their dreams and ambitions. I have one friend who married the first guy she fucked. She always mentions how she wished she would've dated more. Fuck yeah. Too late now, though. But me, well, I'm free. I can pick up tomorrow and move to NY (within reason.) I only have myself to answer to (and maybe my mom sometimes). I have my whole fucking life ahead of me and i get some satisfaction from this idea. No strings attached.

Sometimes being at work is weird, especially with what's his name lurking around. He has several nicknames with various friends: Cancer Guy (because that's his sign), #1, Conference Room guy (which i will not elaborate upon here), That Guy, Dude, DePaul Guy etc. When I refer to him on here, he'll go by one of those names. So, at first I thought it was serendipitous I got assigned to work where DePaul Guy went to school, but then there was an unpleasant incident. He's such a fucking jackass. Albeit, a really hot jackass. I mean, despite what he pulled on me, I still want to be friends with him. I guess I have a special place in my heart for jackasses. I surely attract them. I guess there's a part of him that can be really cool, but there's another side that acquieses into his jackassism. I wish he'd quit being a jackass. And that he'd get a haircut. And it sucks because I see him everyday and I want to talk to him but he doesn't seem to want to converse with me. It doesn't have to be like this. We could get along and have some great conversations, but he wants to be difficult. It's a very deja vu experience, like we're working together again. I see him in the Adult Education Center. I know I have to keep my distance and be patient. I'm not good at being patient. There's a reason for everything and one for this, too. It pisses me off that he has over 200 myspace friends and won't re-add me. He's "friends" with pretty much every one we used to work with except for me. It's the principle, I guess--that he choose to severe me from his world. It took so long for us to even be "cool" with each other and now everything is so fucked up. I know I shouldn't waste my energy on this, that I should simply close the door and move on, but I can't yet. We have a connection, still. We have more bullshit, i.e, life experiences to go through together.

Last night I had dinner with Ex Boyfriend. Overall, it was pleasant and I'm glad we're "friendly exes" and that we don't fight anymore. But I hate it when he asks me if I'm seeing anyone or if I'm attracted to other guys. Of course I lie because if he knew about all the things/people I've done, he'd never speak to me again. And then he tells me other girls want him but he can't date them because he still loves me. On some level, I'm flattered that he's forgone fucking other people because he pines for me, but it's also a little annoying. I've moved on. I'm over him. I look at him and think, "I wanted to marry this guy?" I feel bad, though. He misses me. I know he'll always be there for me, which is comforting. We stayed together too long. We should've ended it at the 2 year mark when he abandoned me in CA. That was a huge indication I apparently decided to condone. But, you live and learn. And move forward.

Yesterday I interviewed a musician named Kevin Devine for a mag I write for. We talked for 45 minutes and ten of those minutes he went off on a compelling political tirade. He lives in Brooklyn, so of course I had to mention how I was just in Brooklyn and how I want to move there. He's like: "roll the dice." I told him how I lived in chicago and he's like: "chicago's nice." Yeah, I love Chicago. It took me about a year to truly appreciate this city. I know if I moved away I'd probably move back. But, Chicago isn't NY. I remember when I lived in L.A a friend (who has since moved to NY) said: "Living in L.A, you walk outside and there's nothing cool to see. But in NY, there's always something cool to see." And that's exactly the way I feel about Chicago. I'm walking through my hood and thinking, there's so much more to do in NY. All those tall buildings. All that energy. The melting pot. The epicenter of the world. Chicago isn't enough. It's affordable and "safe." I want to be challenged. I want to live where it's hardcore. NY is hardcore. I've had a lot of shit happen to me in Chicago that'll prepare me: my car's been broken into twice, my boyfriend kicked me out and made me homeless, I almost got raped by a cab driver, etc. It can't be any worse in NY.

One final thought for the day. Recently some people have mentioned how much I've accomplished. I mean, if you Google my name, a ton of shit on me comes up. Fuck, I'm even on the Internet Movie Database. I feel like I have come a long way in the past year, but not far enough. I'm still working shitty day jobs to get by while I pursue my writing. This frustrates me to no end. My writing is the only thing I'm truly committed to these days. Everyone's advice is not to give up. So, I'll keep toiling away until I'm that big, fucking success.

Welcome to my blog, bitches. Many of you constantly ask me what I'm thinking. Now you'll know. This is just the beginning. Scandals. Shit talking. Observations. Mundanities. A keyhole into the life of a Persian Princess.