We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us, part 2

I'm letting go. I decided this on my walk down Michigan Ave. this evening. I have no other choice than to let go...let go of the past, all the pain that's hunkering me down. Let go of the trail of failed relationships I encounter everyday living in Chicago. Let go of the pain I feel for my father (the next post will be about him.) I need to free myself from these shackles. But it's not going to be easy.

I see DePaul Guy everyday. Sometimes I find it comical to see him, but I find myself still continually obsessing about him. I don't know why. After everything that's happen, I still hold a fucking torch for that jackass. And I'm afraid everyday because I don't want another "incident" between us, so I have to be careful. But then again, I'm a fearless kind of gal. I've decided to let him go. Well, in my own way. I have to put some distance between us and hope for the best. The next time I see him, I will try talking to him and see how he reacts to me. If he's a jerk, then I'm done. If not, we'll, I'll try talking to him once in a while. It's like that saying: "set them free and if it's meant to be they'll come back to you." Or like that Sting song, "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free." Yunno what I'm talking about. It really sucks when one minute you're close to someone and the next minute, they turn on you. I'd always knew DePaul Guy would turn on me--it was a matter of time. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. He's a walk-on-eggshells kind of guy. I wish we could be myspace friends again and I wish he'd initiate something with me, like a conversation or message...I'd love if if one day he phoned me or messaged me about how I'm doing. That'll be progress. It was quite surprising HE initiated the myspace request in the first place. Then of course deleted me. I will trust in the universe that everything will work out okay and I'll be able to handle things.

Now, back to the failed relationships rumination. I keep thinking about how Ex Boyfriend and I didn't have a real relationship. It was unhealthy and self-destructive and co-dependent. All we did for 5 years was yell and scream and fight over petty bullshit. Real love isn't threatening each other with broken glass, or disrupting a friend's wedding, or abandoning someone in California, or kicking someone on the street, or cheating with a co-worker, or calling each other derogatory names. No siree. I don't think there's such a thing as a normal relationship, but we certainly did not have one. I don't know what a healthy relationship feels like, so maybe someday I'll find out. Relationships are only a small percentage of who I am. There are so much more to my life than stupid boys. Positive things. I'm letting go of everyone: #2, who is so wishy washy with me and says he'll hang out then flakes...The Onion Guy, who I liked all summer long, had our fling (rebound) and now we're platonic friends and i'm cool with it. I'll try not to resent him for rejecting me and then leading me on. Finally, "October" who has pretty much disappeared from my life except for when I see his band play. We're never alone, which sucks. I'd be jealous if he found another, and I'm sure he has. So, I need to let go of those expectations. So, done. Letting go of all these boys. I can't deal with it anymore. I need to open myself up for other potential failed relationships. Letting go doesn't mean I can't communicate with said boys, it just means I will not harbor any emotional ties to them anymore...Maybe I'll finally get it right in 2007, but with my track record, who knows. Think positive.

Let go....just let go...