The Year of Self-Discovery or Whatever

I was awoken at 10:30 this morning to my phone ringing and Ex Boyfriend on the other line saying he needed to borrow my car to drive to Ohio because his dad had a stroke and was in the hospital. I know a little to well about sick Dads. I decided to drive Ex Boyfriend home for a few reasons: He was upset and shouldn't drive all that way by himself and be alone, I was nervous about my car and didn't want to be without it for a few days, and my nephew was in town and I wanted to spend some time with him. This was the first time in almost two years Ex Boyfriend and I drove home together despite the fact our parents live within a mile of each other. Against my nephew's wishes, I'm coming back to Chicago for New Year's Eve. My nephew is like, "Garin, why don't you stay with me?" "Because I have to get back to Chicago and get drunk," I respond. It's the hard truth.

Even though Ex Boyfriend and I aren't a couple anymore and never will be again, we are still there for each other. I look at him and think of him like an old chum, not someone I spent every waking moment with for five years. The attraction and emotion I once held for him has dissolved, but I still care about him and love him as a person. Sometimes you just have to be there. I think I may have finally redeemed myself with his family, which really doesn't mean anything, but I'm glad they don't think I'm a witch anymore.

I feel like I've really come into my own this year. This time last year I was so miserable, stuck in a dead end relationship. I lost my identity over the years and luckily found it again. I think I know myself a little better now, or at least what I want out of life. Getting it is another thing. My sister-in-law mentioned to me that I don't give myself enough credit for everything I've accomplished thus far. I lived in L.A for five years. I moved out there 2 weeks shy of turning 21. I worked for Howie Mandel and Wayne Brady and once bought Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson beer. I'm in the movie Stranger Than Fiction. How many people can say that? Then I picked up and moved to the third biggest city in the nation, Chicago, and established myself. After Ex Boyfriend kicked me out, I could've moved back home, but I stayed here because I wanted to. I write for The Onion. I've had my name in credits on national tv shows. I think of all these things, but being my negative and competitive self, I think, "I could do so much more." I'm like Oscar Schindler. I'm still struggling. I'm still poor. I'm still not living in NY. I'm still harboring feelings for DePaul guy. I still have unpleasant allergies. I'm still short. Some things never change.

What I want to accomplish in the new year:

I want to progress with my writing and get to the point where I can forgo having a "day job" in order to support myself. I'm so sick of struggling and being impoverished and barely getting by. I'd rather be dirt poor doing something I love than dirt poor doing something I hate. I'd at least like to find a job in my field alleviating the want to slit my wrists all the time.

I want to move away. Don't get me wrong--I heart Chicago, but I'm getting restless. Hopefully I can make the move to NY or somewhere on the East Coast. But, we'll see.

I need to eat healthier. I don't eat much and when I do, I eat something like cookies for dinner. Cookies don't constitute an adequate meal.

I want to break the bad cycle of getting involved with the wrong kind of guys. In the past year, I've had the tendency to get involved with acquaintances, then get the whole: "Let's just be friends" line. This does not work well for me. I'm all for having experiences, even one night experiences, but I really want something more substantial. I don't necessarily want to be settled, but I'm tired of being dicked around by guys who are confused by women. Despite the fact ass clowns Ex Boyfriend and DePaul guy treated me like mulch, I still want them in my life. DePaul guy and I simply could not be just friends. You can't truly be friends with someone you want to jump every time you see them. I can only take the former in small doses, and the latter, well, it's going to take some time for him to come around, but I'm optimistic.

I want to travel more. The good thing is I have friends scattered all over the country in NY, L.A, Florida, Denver, etc, but the downside is it costs a lot of dinero to travel. So, I need to find a way to afford to take off to these destinations in the new year. I really want to go to SXSW in Austin in March. Hopefully I will go.

I guess what I'm hoping for in the new year is more progression and building upon the foundation I built this year. I want to always be active, going out and being social, going to concerts, meeting new people, and having experiences to blog/write about. This summer I went to four major music festivals. I'd like to continue to go to music events. I like putting myself out in the world. I want to finish my book and start my PR company, but these things take a lot of time and effort. I want writing to be my full-time job. I want to actually be friends with rock stars. I want hundreds of people to read my blog on a daily or weekly basis. I want to enlighten peoples lives...and not to be so damn addicted to checking Myspace and my email a hundred times a day. And as a result, read more fiction books.

I finally hope that The O.C doesn't get cancelled.

And now for some superlatives:

BEST THINGS I DID THIS YEAR:

1. Work for The Onion
I remember in January saying to someone, "Gee, I'd really like to work for The Onion." 5 months later, voila, I'm interning/writing for the AV Club. And now I get paid a little to write for them. It was a tremendous opportunity. I'm still waiting for it to get me somewhere, though.

2.Breaking Up with now Ex Boyfriend
Around Memorial Day weekend I decided I had enough. Goodbye! I finally broke it off. I sent out an email to my friends and family making the announcement, and they didn't believe I really did it. It took me a long time to find the strength to do it, but I did and have successfully moved on.

3. Moving to Lincoln Square
I didn't think I'd ever move away from Lesbo Motel, but at the very end of September, I seized the opportunity and moved away. I live with 2 great, quirky gals (Kathy and Katherine) and an equally quirky cat. For once, I feel comfortable in my living environment. Of course there are times I'd like to live alone, but for the most part, I lucked out and found a good situation. I feel blessed.

Beginning in January, I have to kick start my career. I have to start hitting the pavement again applying for writing gigs and putting my material out there. I will stop at nothing to make my ambitions come into fruition. I have no other choice. I'm a much more confident writer than I was a year ago. I really believe in myself and know I have what it takes.

Finally, I'm comfortable with being almost 30, single, and unsettled. I'm happy with the company I choose to keep. I have a loving family and great friends. It's time to leave the past and negativity behind and move ahead. I don't regret the romantic relationships that didn't work out this year. I've accepted my father is gone, as hard as it's been. And what I've realized most of all at the end of the year, is maybe, just maybe, I am really okay.