I'm Ready To Die

A couple of months ago I interviewed a band and asked the guitarist about struggling. He had this to say: "I had to come to a point where I thought if i can't do this, I don't care, I'd rather die. Once I gave up the ghost and crossed that line is when a lot more things started to happen. " So, that's how I'm beginning to feel. I'm ready to die for my art. I've been out of work for a few days and I really have no desire to go back working some shitty job. I keep looking for jobs, but answering phones or filing doesn't sound appealing to me. Not working at DePaul has been good for me in the sense I don't have to see DePaul guy anymore. It's the whole out of sight, out of mind thing, which I need to finally ween myself from the idea of him. I think it's working. I've been productive sending out clips, trying to hit the pavement hoping and praying I can finally do what I want with my life. I really have no other choice at this point then to make it as a writer. I simply can't continue along floating from dead end job to the next. Is this how I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life? I don't think so. There has to be a way to do it. I'm trying to discover it. Otherwise, I'd rather die if I can make a living as writer. I'm tenacious enough to do it. This week I started writing for a new site called Myopenbar.com. It's quite genius really, and not a lot of people know about it. You can pretty much get free or cheap booze every day of the week in Chicago. It's my job to find bars and events offering said booze. Like I really need an excuse to drink more than I already do. The site is snarky and it pisses people off. I like that characteristic.

I feel like such a slacker when I'm unemployed, and believe me, I think I've spent too much of my post-college life being unemployed. When I lived in L.A, every time a show I worked on got cancelled or ended, I had to find work. It seemed like every 2-3 months I had to find something. The trend continues. The most I've ever worked steadily was from Jan. 2005-March 2006 at two different jobs. Getting a paycheck every week made me grow complacent and it didn't make me search for a job I'd really like. So, now that's what I'm trying to do....very soon hopefully.

Focusing on writing has been taking up most of my time right now, but there are always room for distractions. I don't know how many times I have to get myself into these situations until I learn not to do it anymore. I don't understand why relationships have to be complicated. Don't people just date anymore? Why do there always have to be obstacles in the situations I choose? I'm beginning to wonder if it's me or men in general. Why don't guys ever know what they want? Even though I said one of my resolutions was to avoid casual encounters, I've succumbed again. I've become the girl in Neko Case's "Hold On, Hold On" song: "In the end I was the mean girl or somebody's in between girl." I'm the in between girl. I think I just should accept my fate and expect these things to continue until I find someone without any hangs up whatsoever, if that does indeed exist.

I've had more time recently to catch up on some things. Here's what I've liked. The Descent. It's scary and chilling, and I love the entire cast are these kick ass, tough as nails female heroines. It's got a little Deliverance, a little Apocalypse Now, and some Blair Witch Project thrown in, but yet it's a completely original, engrossing, and thrilling horror film. I also caught a little of I'm From Rolling Stone, MTV's new reality show about music journalists. I hate MTV and reality tv, but this one intrigued me because, well, I'm a music journalist. The kids on the show are so dumb. I could easily write for Rolling Stone. The one kid had to interview a band and he didn't know what to say to them. Idiot. Do your research! I've also liked Little Miss Sunshine and Children of Men. With this downtime, I really should watch more movies and read more books, but I get distracted with trying to figure out how to get myself out of this rut and find a bright, shiny future for myself. I just joined Netflix. I hope it's better than Blockbuster because it's simply too cold to walk three blocks down the street to my local chain. Maybe this weekend I'll take a break from the pavement.