Random Thoughts On a Winter Day

A lot has happened in the past 24 hours. As of yesterday, I no longer work at DePaul. My temp agency informed me Thursday at 5 p.m Friday would be my last day. There was no more work to do. They are slowly phasing out the temps and unfortunately in order to decide who was to be let go, they pulled names from a hat. My name and another guy's were picked. Once again, I'm unemployed. Every two months I have to look for work. On some level, this is okay because at least I get to work at a lot of different places and if I don't like the job, there's no commitment, but at the same time, I hate not knowing how I'm going to survive. A part of me thinks I should sell out and get some salaried corporate job, but then another part of me knows I couldn't do it. The steadiest job I've ever have latest 8 1/2 months. I left that job last March and have been floating around ever since. I think I just don't want to work. All I want to do is figure out a way to make a living as a writer, and I can't do it now. I'm really stuck. I can't do what I want, I can't do what I don't want. I don't think I've ever had a job I liked. Maybe it's just not going to happen for me. When I get down, I start thinking about moving to NY. But like my friend told me, I should move there because I want to move towards something, not away from something. Sometimes I want to move there to escape. Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago. I love all the people I've met here, it's just I need to do something with my life and I don't think I can accomplish what I want here. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels right now. I'm not even writing much lately. I pitched something to Time Out and they rejected it. I know NY is on a higher plane than Chicago, but there's more opportunity. In the past two days, two people have asked me if I'm moving to NY. I don't know. I just don't know. But I'm going to start looking into it. I have another friend here who's moving there in March. Maybe it's time for me as well.

Not working at DePaul means no more DePaul guy. It's been a very deja vu experience. I left our job in March and had to say goodbye to him then. Back then I felt some animosity between us. I think this week we had a breakthrough. All I want to do is offer him an olive branch and make amends. I don't know if this is possible right now. I have to let him go for a while and not contact him. This is the only chance I'll ever have of a reconciliation. So in a sense, not working there is a good thing. Working at DePaul had become a conflict of interest for me. This brings up the topic of forgiveness. Last night my old roommate from L.A, Derek, was in town. He came over and we ended up having a pretty deep conversation. He's traveling around the world this year and is in a "let me tell you how I really feel" phase. He confided to me he hasn't always treated me very well and he was sorry. I subscribe to his philosophy. You should tell people how you feel because they could be gone tomorrow. I forgive people. I don't want to walk around feeling angry at certain people for the way they treated me. I forgive Ex Boyfriend for kicking me out. I even forgive DePaul guy. I forgave my dad for not being around most of my life. I don't want bad blood. If the person doesn't accept your lament, that's their problem. This is how I choose to live my life. Forgive and apologize.

People ask me a lot about my blog and how I can express the things I do. The great thing about a blog is you have the freedom to pretty much write whatever you want. It's been a great platform for me to express my thoughts and to share ideas. People always ask me what I'm thinking and this blog gives some insight to my world. On the flipside though, I've decided to censor myself a little. The downside to writing whatever you feel like is you can potentially hurt someone's feelings. I write very personal stuff and I'm afraid of alienating people. Ex Boyfriend told me not to write about him anymore. I have a feeling DePaul guy saw the post about him. I retracted it a couple of days ago because I felt it was too personal for others to see. Certain thoughts should be kept in my journal for my eyes only. I'm not out to defame people. So, I'm going to exercise more caution with the posts and try to keep more to myself. But the thing about any kind of writing is it should provoke a reaction. I'm a reactionary writer. I don't necessarily want to play it too safe, but I also have to keep people's reactions in mind. I have to use some taste. I'm not going to write about Ex Boyfriend or DePaul guy anymore unless it's absolutely necessary.

So, with that said, I'm not going to write about who I hooked up with Friday night. Yes, two weeks into the new year, and I've already spent two Friday nights with two different guys. Does this make me a slut? I don't know what is it. I just sit here and guys literally fall from the sky into my lap. With my career, I can't be idle-I'm very proactive-but with meeting guys, they seem to always seek me out. Thanks, Myspace! I think it's also because I'm open to things. I make myself available. I think I'm also slightly easy and approachable. Is that bad? I know singletons who have a difficult time meeting people. They hit the bar scene in hopes of meeting someone. Not me. I guess I'm lucky like that. I do wish publications would seek me out instead of guys. This new guy has more potential than the previous one. I've come to the realization I don't want to be emotionally involved with anyone right now. I'm been through so much emotionally with Ex Boyfriend and DePaul guy in the past few months, I'm simply wrecked emotionally. I think I want to be with someone where it's fun and real and where there aren't any expectations. This is my problem. When I meet someone, I immediately begin planning our wedding. I think too much about where it's going and I start having fantasies of our future together. This gets me into trouble and creates a lot of drama and disappointment. I'm really going to try to live in the moment more and not analyze where it's going. Just take it day by day and see what happens. I'm going to try this with the new guy and hopefully it'll work. It's like that line in Dazed and Confused: "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." I feel like cradle robbers Drew Barrymore or Cameron Diaz. And look how it worked out for them.

For the first time ever, I have the apartment to myself this weekend. My roommates are out of town. I must say, I enjoy being alone once in a while. I think I could live alone but only as long as I had a revolving door of guests to keep me company. And a cat. So more and more I think I'd like to get my own place. I'm reaching the age where I think I need my own place. But, I'm not keen on living in some hole in the wall studio apartment. I've lived alone before and it was alright. So, that's something to consider if I stay in Chicago. If I go to NY, I'm definitely going to need a roommate.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about certain things, but I need to make some major decisions soon. It's still the beginning of the year, the best time to make fresh changes.