I Am Me and I Am Okay

Today is my second day at my new job. I don't quite get it yet, but I suppose that's the point of training. Slowly and surely it'll come to me. I want to do a good job and kick some ass. This job does require me to think a little, which is a new thing in a job situation for me. Right now I'm still learning the ropes, so it'll take me some time to feel acclimated to my environment and work load. I do like the atmosphere--it's pretty chill and I can wear whatever the fuck I want. I want to get to know my co-workers better because they seem pretty rad. I know how I am with jobs, though, so I hope I don't get bored quickly and start to slack off. This job requires me to know something about restaurants and food, which is a field I never thought I'd work in. So, here I am. The only drawback is I'm basically an independent contractor and will probably owe thousands of dollars in taxes next year. It is also retrograde and supposedly it's bad luck to start anything new during this period. I am paranoid.

My life lately has been so chaotic, like some sort of tornado spinning and churning. I really need things to calm down a little. I mean, I like some drama and I hate it when things become complacent, but I definitely would like things to smooth over and settle in a bit. I want my living situation to be rectified. I want to focus on my job. I want to make lots of money. I want to focus on all the writing and promoting I have to do. I want to balance all this and still have fun. I want to spend a lot of time with my roommate and Frenchie exploring Chicago. There are so many places I've never been. We'll be like the Three Musketeers. The more I get to know Frenchie, the bigger my crush grows. I'm just waiting to pounce. He seems sorta edgy, which I'm totally in to. He also cooks! Hurrah. But most of all, I want the deep freeze to end and for it to be Spring with flowers blossoming. Metaphorically and figuratively speaking.

Tonight, Blast From the Past is leaving. He has been my distraction for the past couple of days. I like having visitors, but lately everything has been so difficult to balance. I don't want any more visitors for a while so I can get shit done. Seeing him was good. It's funny how you think you'll never see someone again and six years later, bam. I like that about life. He's a great guy and someone who I really cherish, but I don't think we're meant to be together in a romantic sense. At least I know now because that "what if" would've itched me forever. I hope to see him again-maybe I'll plan a trip to D.C soon. Time and time again, me not wanting to be in a relationship has been reinforced. I do not want this with anyone. The idea of having a boyfriend really freaks me out. Seriously. I feel smothered. I like keeping my options open. There are so many fish in the sea.

The great thing about a blog is you can use it as a means to express yourself and allow others to peer into your life. The negative is you can't really write whatever you want because you may offend someone. You can't please everyone. I hate I have to censor myself on here. There are so many things I wish I could write about such as certain scandalous experiences I've had or talking shit about people I don't like, but alas, people who know me read this. My mother reads it. The thing about me is I'm not what I seem. People think I'm a sweet and innocent girl, but not so much. If I wrote about certain experiences I've recently had, I know some jaws would drop. Everyone is amazed how little and child-like I am. I'm no child that's for sure. I'm not saying I do anything really bad, it's just I'm not this shy little girl people perceive me to be. I love to shock people--not necessarily in a Madonna way--it just happens. I love to be bold. I love to live my life. I love to be challenged and exposed to interesting situations. I surprise myself sometimes.

With that said, I'm not going to apologize for my blog. I am an honest and at times a brazen writer. I believe writing or any art should cause a reaction whether positive or negative. People should react to it. But, there is always a certain level of censorship involved. I can't write whatever I want. Then again, if you piss me off, I'm gonna write about you. If I sleep with you, I'm gonna write about what happened. I am an emotional being and don't want to repress my feelings. But like I said, I'm going to speak my mind but with some discretion. I'm not looking to be rich or famous, or maybe not even make a difference, but I do have a strong voice and something to say. I know every action causes a reaction, but I'm not going to hide in a corner and play it safe to appease the masses. I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm comfortable with putting myself out into the world. There are dangers involved with this, sure, but more times than not, you're going to see results. I just am who I am. And I like who I am. And if people can't deal with who I am, fuck 'em. And for everyone who doesn't like me or doesn't like what I have to say, I have an entire entourage of people who do like me for who I am and who do get me. These are the people I hold close to my heart. These are the people I will spend the rest of my life with.