L'Adventure

Today is only Thursday. Sigh. This week has gone on forever. I'm so tired. I guess I'm not used to getting up everyday for work and actually having to work hard. I've been learning a lot about food with my job. Now I know what chutney and a crostini are. I never thought in a million years I'd be writing about/working for the food industry. Stranger things have happened, though. I wish I could go home and sleep, but alas, there are things to do such as writing assignments and a show to go to. Also, the series finale of The O.C is on. People immediately lose respect for me when I tell them I love this show, but I don't care. It's entertaining and a great way to discover new music. This weekend I am going to get some much needed sleep. Sleeping is my favorite.

I've felt slightly triste today. I keep thinking about all the people I no longer hang out with. It seems every couple of months, my life changes: I get a new job, new friends, new lovers, etc. I like the uncertainty of my life, the possibility anything can and will happen, but I also would like something to hold on to. Looking over my Myspace acquaintances, I realize I hardly see most of these people anymore. I'd like to, I really would, but life gets in the way sometimes. People are busy. I hope I can see them soon. I don't hang out with the same people I did a few months ago and a few months from now, I probably will have a new set of friends. My childhood friends will always remain constant, but they all live in different states. I started thinking about what I was doing a year ago this time. I was at the end of an eight month job, near the end of a five year relationship, and still miserably living with a lesbo. So much has changed, but certain things always remain in my life. I feel like I'm always floating around. Afterall, I am a free spirit and refuse to be tied down to convention. I'm like a balloon! Like 99 Luftballoons. If I go back 2 years ago, February was a horrible time in my life. Ex Boyfriend kicked me out--a nightmare situation. I couldn't grasp how someone you love could turn on you so quickly. My mother had to come to town and do damage control and I remember how much agony I was in. I remember sitting with her in the Fairmont hotel watching the Oscars feeling so upset. I saw Ex Boyfriend last night and nothing ever changes. He's currently having his monthly breakdown where he freaks out and doesn't go to work for a week. When this happens, he clings to me for support. He tried to coerce me to stay with him last night, but I couldn't and wouldn't. Later, I'm on the phone trying to coax him, talk him down, tell him everything will be okay. I don't why his issues are still my issues. I feel bad for him, but I can't help him. I can't help the depressed and/or the anxiety ridden. I can't cope with these kinds of people anymore especially when these so-called people disregard seeking out therapy. Being around them is like being sucked into an undertow. I refuse to deal with bratty people, too. So, whatever.

I know a few months from now my life will transform again; it'll continue to twist and pivot. Sometimes I think about the past, but I don't want to live in the past. I live in the present and try not to think about the future too much. When I consider the past, I start to think about DePaul guy and all those other failed relationships. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. He'd be jealous and yet fascinated by Frenchie. But then I think what an ass he is, and I shake if off. I like to remember him when I first met him. But that was a year and a half ago and he's not who I want him to be. Such is life. Looking into the future, I wonder where I'll be a year from now. Will I still be friends with the same people? Will I still be living in Chicago? Will I still be at the same job? Who will I be dating? And the new people who I have befriended this year, will they still be active in my life? There's a good chance I can move to NY in November to work at NYU. Come November, will I still have the desire to move there? I will keep it as an option. It's hard to hold onto things. They just slip away and there's nothing you can do about it. But, you can do your best to hold on for the moment and enjoy it while you can. At least, that's what I try to do.

My mom recently asked me why I don't talk about mon pere in my blog. I never really thought about it. What am I supposed to say? That he's gone? That I miss him? If I think about him, I get upset. I like to think he's taking care of me in his own way, looking out for me, etc. I think he'd like the fact I'm living with a Frenchman. He liked Paris a lot. I think he'd be proud of me. He wouldn't approve of my romantic relationships that's for sure. I just want to always honor him like visit Iran or start celebrating Norooz or change my name to Najmeh or something. People don't understand what I've been through. They'll never know. Just writing about this upsets me, so I have to stop now.

It's finally warming up here. It's almost 40! Hot damn. I feel Spring is near. Spring will be a time for adventure. I've been feeling quite adventurous lately. I want to go out and experience life. I want to take spontaneous road trips. I want to go to Coachella in April. I will make this happen. I want to be able to mark things off my "list." I want to be able to say, "been there, done that," even if it means continuing to do crazy, sometimes uncouth things. I want to stay in touch with the people who really matter to me. I want to be international and continue to learn about French customs. I have the joie de vivre bursting out of me. The journey continues.