Today is officially the first day of Spring, the vernal equinox if you will. Scientifically it's Spring, but there is still a chill in the air. I did notice some flowers trying to push up. Soon enough there will be a rich abundance of flowers and life again. Coinciding with Spring, today is also Norooz, or the Persian new year. Being 1/2 Persian, I grew up celebrating this holiday with my dad. Every year he would lay out all kinds of stuff on the table like flowers, eggs, a goldfish in a bowl, and place an orange with some water in a bowl. All of these items symbolize rebirth and life. I remember watching the orange (representing Earth) and when it turned over, it was officially the new year (equivalent to the ball dropping in Times Square I suppose). I never really liked celebrating because most of my childhood I avoided the fact I was Persian. Now that I'm older, it's something I don't mind as much. I haven't celebrated Norooz in many years, and today I'm not going to celebrate either. I do not have the resources to do it properly. I am not going to buy a goldfish just for one day. The last time I had a goldfish, I killed it. I will celebrate silently with my father's spirit. Happy new year, Daddy. It's weird thinking I'm a second generation Iranian. Most of my friends' parents were born in the U.S unlike my dad who grew up in Tehran. I guess it makes me somewhat exotic even though I never learned the language.
I'm hoping the fact it's now Spring things will improve for me. It's time to leave the negatively and unpleasantries of Winter behind. Spring is a time for rejuvenation and the possibility of finding love. I keep thinking about my relationships, each one ending so disastrously. What exactly defines a relationship? It's such a broad term, one thrown around like the word friend. A relationship doesn't exactly mean commitment. If you have a one night stand that's probably not a relationship. But if you and someone mutually consent to spend time together in a romantic sense whether it lasts for 2 weeks or 5 years, it's a relationship of sorts. You both are invested in seeing each other and having "experiences" together. Maybe you get attached or emotionally involved. You begin to care. With that defined, all of my relationships in the past year have ended disastrously. I'm beginning to wonder if I like it when this happens. I mean, if it ends quickly, you don't have to really commit. You save yourself some long term wounds. It's like aborting the mission a few miles into it. I have discovered I do have intimacy issues. I have problems getting close to guys because once you make yourself vulnerable, you open yourself up to the potential of getting your heart ripped out of your chest Indiana Jones style. I embrace all of my failed romances because it's just fodder for that great American FICTION novel I will write. Every chapter will be a vignette about a guy who has fucked me over and/or crushed me in some way. It'll sell a million copies. I have a title picked out and everything. Success is the best revenge, really. Relationships are like bad apples. I'm wondering how many bad apples I am going to have to eat before I find a good, untainted one. Maybe you have to consume nine bad apples before you find one good apple. I refuse to become jaded and bitter. You just have to keep eating those apples. Eventually, something will stick.
More and more I'm wanting the whole package in a guy. I deserve better. We all deserve better. Why settle for less? Why settle, period? As much as I'm afraid of being seriously involved with someone, I am increasingly getting sick of flings that don't amount to much in the long run. I think about whenever you meet someone, the possibilities are beautiful. You click, you have fun, everything is fine. Then somewhere down the road, it all gets fucked up and destructs. What you initially liked the person for, you begin to hate them for. Resentment grows. The whole "he said/she said" battle begins. You are right, he is wrong, but he thinks you're wrong, and he's right. All you're left with are memories of the good times. The good times can be dangerous because they can keep you coming back for more even though you should walk away.
I've realized my debacle from last week wasn't entirely my fault. There are two sides to every story. Sometimes you are just better off. So, I will merge forward seeking out that illustrious fellow. Part of me thinks maybe I've already found him. This one is developing slowly, which is probably how it should be. Time will only tell. Needless to say, I'm very excited about tomorrow night. It'll be quite interesting. Fingers crossed.
To commemorate the first day of Spring, here is a brand new track from an excellent little band, The Rosebuds. "Get Up and Get Out" is upbeat, positive, and makes me feel like everything will work out for the best.
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