Pain

I feel like I'm always in a great deal of pain. It's not shooting, stabbing pain, it comes in waves. It ebbs and flows but when it's comes, it's prominent then it disappears. I am speaking of emotional, not physical pain. I've suffered a couple of great losses in my life that keep affecting me. They'll always affect me because when the pain is this deep, the wounds never truly heal. They lessen in time, but the scars remain. Ex Boyfriend's play is a huge success. All the major local publications have given it glowing reviews. I am proud of him. I never thought he'd have any sort of success, really. But he managed to turn things around. I always knew he had potential. I'm really good at repressing things, shoving them down deep inside me. But the problem is these issues tend to arise at the most inconvenient times. The truth is, I miss Ex Boyfriend, or maybe just the idea of him. I think of all we've been through together and a lot of it brought me a great deal of pain--especially when he kicked me out. We are able to maintain a good friendship surprisingly, but sometimes I wonder what could've been if he and I were in different places back them. Why couldn't he have found this level of success when we were together? Part of the problem was we both struggled so much and it took a toll on our relationship. I feel like I'll never find anyone good enough for me. He certainly wasn't good enough. Maybe no one is good enough for me. I feel as if no one will ever love me the way I want them to. I feel maybe I'll never love anyone wholeheartedly again. I am constantly drawn to the wrong guys and I don't know how to fix it. I unnecessarily complicate my life. I tell myself I should just to be alone and unattached but that never works. Maybe I should just give up. That's when it'll happen I suppose. I don't know why relationships have to be so complicated. It's always something. We're always taking emotional baggage from the previous relationship into the new one. There are always so many issues. I feel like I have instigated certain situations with guys and then get mad at myself for doing so, but now that I have some perspective, I am glad these events occurred because it made me realize I was not meant to be with these people. And as always, I had to learn it the hard way because there isn't any other way for me.

Another great cause of pain for me right now is I also greatly miss my dad. This too comes in waves. I had a dream about him last night. This always disturbs me. Most of the people I know have never lost a parent. They don't know the kind of pain it brings, especially in my complicated situation. I'll miss him everyday forever. He'll never be in my life again the way I want him to, but I accept it. I think more people I know can relate to the relationship pain than the family kind. Most people have suffered this sort of loss at some point. But you get over it. You just have to. But the remnants of those splices are always with you. I suppose not all pain is bad because it shapes you and makes you a stronger person. It becomes a part of who you are and lets you know where you've been. Maybe pain is good. It's an indicator of sorts. It lets you know something is wrong but also allows you not to make the same mistake again. I guess it's how you handle it that really matters. Like if you deal with it in a positive not self-destructive way. I try not to cope with it in the latter way, but maybe sometimes I do. When I'm in pain, like right now, I just ride it out. No need to assuage the pain with liquor or anything like that. I'd rather feel it full-on. It'll pass soon. I think there's beauty in pain and sadness. There's beauty in everything, really.

I don't know how much more I can take of having to have a day job. I sit in front of a computer all day mindlessly getting through the day. It feels like such a waste of time. 40 hours a week for what? Meaningless. This is my life's work? There's so many better things out there, but I don't know how to obtain them. It's like the other day I interviewed a band and felt inspired, but then had to go back to work and code shit all day. It's such a balancing act, a push pull. I feel I deserve so much more than what I've been given. I have the a patience of a two year old, though. I want to live my life. I just don't want to talk about doing things. I just hope it's not too late for me to find what I'm looking for. I don't know how much more I can take of simply going through the motions of a dead end job and going from one dead end romance to another. I'm afraid. I shouldn't complain because it's not entirely all bad. There are glimmers of light here and there and it's not like I feel like slitting my wrists everyday, but sometimes, well, things are quite frustrating and discouraging. I'm very discouraged today. I tell myself I gotta keep going. I have to keep marching forward to see what'll happen because: "Sometimes what you want is exactly what you need, but sometimes, what you need is a new plan."

In life, things are never completely good or completely bad. Life is filled with fleeting moments of happiness and we must do everything we can to hold onto them before they disappear. I need to do this more, to live in the moment and appreciate what I have in front of me, let it absorb in, instead of just thinking about others things and worrying about the future. The present is the future. Time slips by us so quickly.

This brand new song, "Fake Empire," by The National, is totally fitting my mood today.