The Past 7 Days

The past week has been pretty rough for me, especially the past 3 days. I'm so glad it's Friday. I'm sighing relief right now. Everything is calming down. The ramifications still remain uncertain. I'm still beating myself up and probably will for a while. I am awesome at this. I will use a metaphor to describe my recent incident: It's like when you get a speeding ticket. It's a slap on the wrist, a minor setback, but more than likely you'll keep speeding. But, if you get arrested or have your license taken away, then maybe you'll finally learn to quit speeding. You learn the hard way. I have learned the hard way this week--metaphorically of course. I have the entire weekend to chill and to recover from my latest personal catastrophe. I know I will rebound from this like everything else because I am quite resilient. This weekend I am helping a good friend in recording her first demo. Tomorrow night I am going to see Ex Boyfriend's play with a couple of friends who are playwriters and want to talk to him about how he did it. I'm still working on the PR campaign for my friend's group, too. I love to help people in a creative medium. It makes me feel good. It's the only thing making me feel good this week.

I watched "Grey's Anatomy" last night and this quote pretty much sums up what I've been going through:

"People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places, like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and even though the cuts long gone, the pain still lingers.

What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something, they remind us where we've been and what we've overcome, they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think, but that's not the way it is, is it? Some things you just have to learn over and over and over again."

It's funny when you are going through something, how certain things like a tv show or music resonates with you. It's like the words are speaking directly to you trying to comfort you. I especially relate to the "learning over and over again part." When will I ever learn from my mistakes? Do we truly ever learn? I hope this time I have. Sometimes a slap on the wrist isn't enough. Sometimes things have to explode for you to finally learn. And the old wounds, well, they are always with me, but you just can't let them get to you. And as for the new wounds, in a matter of time they too will disintegrate into older ones. I am lucky I have such great friends and family who listen and offer advice when personal crisises hit me. These are the people who accept me for my imperfections and love me anyway. I've learned a lot in the past few days, but one thing I've really learned is to simply be true to myself, to allow myself to be the individual I am, and not to let anyone dictate to me into changing who I am simply because I feel something so deeply. I need to be less impulsive and more ambiguous, yes, but I will never allow anyone to define me and control me because I offended them. I do think I need to start writing some fiction, though. This may help me in the long run.

Listening to music is always cathartic for me. I've been spinning these two tunes over and over again all week. They are both life affirming songs and speak to me. Here's the plug:

Travis "My Eyes" (from their most excellent upcoming album, A Boy with No Name)

Feist "I Feel It All" (from her most excellent upcoming album, The Reminder)

One of my all time favorite songs is "Look Up" by Stars. The lyrics that get me the most: "So far keeping it together has been enough/Look up/Rain is falling looks like love." It's so damn hopeful saying that no matter what, you'll get through it. I know I will.

One thing I can say is at least my life is always interesting. I suppose this is one reason I began a blog. I always get myself into situations, sometimes pretty complicated ones. It's always something, yunno? Everything all the time.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. I'm hoping for some luck.