There Has to Be Something Better

All day and everyday at work these words run through my mind: there just has to be something better. I get so bored everyday and I wonder how I can change things. I just want to do what I want with my life and not have to work a job simply because I need the money. But it's such a dilemma. Everything has been so disappointing lately. I simply feel disappointed and defeated. I want a better job (better in the sense of doing something I actually love for a living) and better relationships. I admit with the relationship part, it's partially my fault. I do allow myself to get involved with the wrong guys and do sometimes instigate certain situations or allow them to occur, thus, leading to disappointments. I know I need to fix both, but knowing myself, I will keep getting into sticky and more challenging than necessary situations. That's what I'm good at. Even if I tell myself I won't do it anymore, well, I probably will. I'm really going to learn this time, really. I have no other choice than to learn from my debacles. I'm finding it difficult to feel motivated to do anything but sleep. There are so many projects I could be working on right now, but I'm slacking. This is the time I should be working on projects, but alas, I'd rather sit in my room, play with the cat, and sleep. Sigh. I think I'm the happiest when I feel productive with my writing. It makes me feel good and gives me a lot of confidence. But, this too comes and goes. Sometimes I have a lot going on with my writing, other times not. I guess I want everything in my life to be a little more consistent. I want the writing to come and keep coming and build and build and the same with relationships. I'm sick of having to start over with them all the time, ending up where I started except slightly more damaged and cynical. I want and deserve more and I need to not only tell myself but stick with what I want instead of straying from my decision. I think I'd like to head back into real relationship territory, but I have my reservations. I just like the substance and consistency it brings. Flings start off good then usually end with a ball of fire. Relationships do as well but at least it's a bit more substantial and possibly lasts longer. Then again, there are too many expectations with relationships. I already have too many expectations as is. But, once again to contradict myself, maybe it'd be a good thing as long as it was on my terms. All this brings up the issue of remaining friends. If you get involved with a friend, someone you've known for a while, then just decide to be friends, I think the friendship has a good chance of surviving. But if you get involved with someone under the pretenses of not being friends, then try to be friends after, it's like working backwards. What's the point? I guess as long as you mutually agree to make the friendship work, stay in touch, and not make it awkward, well, it may have a life beyond the tryst.

I wish I could get on the next plane to anywhere. I wish I could move to NY. I know more and more people who have moved there recently. I should just do it already. I wish I could force myself to read some books. I'm too lazy to read books these days.

It's gotten chilly here again. Yesterday it was non-jacket weather. Today, bordering on winter coat weather. What gives?

I just want something more, yunno? There just has to be something better waiting for me. I know I am not the first and won't be the last person to think this about life. Sad but true. I will sit here and wait for something remotely better to strike me. Until then, I will quit complaining and try to make the best of my situation. Somehow. I suppose there's a reason the month of March is dubbed March Madness.

On a positive note, season 2 of Twin Peaks comes out on DVD next week. I'm very excited about this. It's on my Netflix queue. God bless, Netflix for keeping it real. Also my "star meter" on IMDB has gone up 86% since last week. I do not know what this means, but I will not question it.

Here's a Bloc Party song that's been jiggling around my head all day.