Time Heals All Wounds

This weekend Ex Boyfriend's play opens. It is a big deal. He wrote it over the course of the past couple of years. I am very proud of him. At the same time, it makes me a little sad and nostalgic. I think back to when we were living in L.A and how much we struggled--not so much as a couple, but as artists. We both we're trying to do something with our lives and it increasingly became quite difficult: me a filmmaker, he an actor. Since we've split, both our careers have taken off in different paths. He as a playwright and me as a writer/journalist. I don't know why that is. Sometimes you have to be on your own to accomplish things. The relationship can get in the way. This is one of the reasons I choose to be single nowadays. I have other priorities. I'm glad Ex Boyfriend is still in my life, although our dynamic has changed quite a bit. I don't know what'll happen when either of us falls into a serious relationship. We probably won't see/talk as much. I know he wishes me happiness but a part of me wants him to be miserable for the rest of his life. I don't think he'll ever find anyone as good as me. This may sound arrogant, but it's the damn truth. Whenever he mentions how girls like him, I wince with jealously. A bunch of his friends are coming into town this weekend for the play. I used to hate all of his friends. I kinda looked down on them because they all lived in Ohio and did nothing but drink themselves to death. Most of them are married with kids now. But, in the past couple of years, I have embraced these friends and consider a couple of them my friends. I mean, three of them our my Myspace friends and I'd like to think that means something. I don't know if I'll see them this weekend, but I'd like to.

I think I've changed a lot in the past couple of years, mainly past year. I'm a much more confident person. I also drink a lot more. It's ironic because when I was with Ex Boyfriend, I didn't drink as much even though he got drunk everyday. I'm not as needy or insecure as I used to be, although I still have bouts with insecurity. Like if I write someone and they don't write me back, I immediately get offended and think I did something wrong. It's especially harsh with guys. All of these things are new territory for me and signs I have improved. I do think I'll always be stricken with insecurities for the rest of my life. I wish I wasn't insecure at all. I think the older I get, the younger I look to people. For example. The other night my roommate, Frenchie, and I went out to dinner and ordered drinks. I was the only one who got carded even though Frenchie is barely legal. Wow. The waitress remarked to me: "Keep it up."

Sometimes I feel like I'll never fall in love again or meet the right person. Then again, at this juncture, I'm not looking for love. There's a great quote by the author Charles Bukowski: "Love is a fog that burns with the first daylight of reality." In other words, when you fall in love, you are blanketed by this fog but then you come to your senses, it quickly diminishes. He also said: "Love is a dog from hell."

Speaking of Bukowski, I watched a documentary on him over the weekend called Bukowski: Born Into This. As a fellow writer, it really inspired me. He struggled for quite a while including doing a 12 year stint at the post office. He wrote books and poetry about his day jobs and experiences with drinking and women. He wasn't really successful until his 50s. I hope I don't have to wait that long to make it. More and more, I feel like I'm getting buried under all the writing I do. Sometimes it feels like homework for me. I have a hard time saying no. But, I'm going to cut back on some of the writing I do. I really would like to delve into more fiction writing--put my personal experiences on paper. I also promised a friend I'd help him out with some PR for his band and that'll require a lot of research and time. I'm going to be pickier about the assignments I take on. Sometimes I just want to relax and I can't because I have things to do. I can't ever relax even when I have the chance. There's never enough time.