Feel Good Lost

It's been almost a week since I've been unemployed and I feel unmotivated. I have all this time on my hands yet I don't know what to do with it. I'm bored. At least when I had a job and was bored, I was getting paid. I should be reading books, hanging out in the lakefront, exploring Wicker Park, working on PR stuff, writing, etc, but all I feel like doing is sitting in my room listening to music (like my brand new mix cd). Of course, I've been glued to my computer sending out resumes right and left, but nothing is happening. Maybe I need to step away from the confines of my room for something to materialize. It's weird being at home during the day because my roommates are home all day, too. They usually work nights (when they work) so we're all home. One plays video games, the other smokes all day. I wish I had the place to myself. I feel like a bum. I think I've fallen into a slump and this is part of the problem. I hate working, but I also hate being unemployed. At least working gives me structure because otherwise my schedule gets messed up. I'll sleep till noon then stay up really late. It sucks that I had to be unemployed this week. Last week I was staying out till like 3am and having to get up for work, but of course this week when I have nothing to get up for, I have no late nights planned. Not even any concerts this week. I've officially hit the doldrums. Things certainly have calmed down since the past 2 weeks. Things were getting out of control, though. Maybe this is nature's way of saying to take it easy or reevaluate your life. I watched a movie last night called Half Nelson. Ryan Gosling is hot. The best part of the film were the myriad of Broken Social Scene songs used in it. This made me happy for about an hour.

Monday night I traded mix cds with someone. So far this has been the highlight of my week for several reasons (despite the fact the tracklisting doesn't list the names of the songs so on some I have no idea what I'm listening to). I declare more mix cds. I've decided not to put my energies into guys I'm not interested in. What's the point? I'm cutting the field down. I still haven't figured out what the hell to do with my life. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really qualified for any job. I keep looking at ads and there's no way I can do most of the positions. The idea of answering phones, writing up reports, travel arrangements, data entry, etc, doesn't seem appealing to me at all. Maybe I'll just sit here and it'll fall in my lap. Maybe if I simply do nothing it'll manifest itself somehow. I'll just sit here and meditate and ideas will come to me. I do need to re-channel my energy into more positive thinking. Eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive, so to speak. Maybe I'm not meant to ever have money or to find love, etc. Maybe I'll be one of those "almost but not quite" people. Almost reach my goals, then not. Or maybe I'll end up being a superstar and all this bullshit is preparing me so when I obtain success it'll be sweeter. Sure. That's it. Basically, I'm taking the week off. I'll get in touch with my other temp agency next week. I'm not working this week. Period.

Life seems to come in ebbs and flows. Every couple of months I seem to plummet into a slump. I wish I could avoid them all together, but sometimes you have to take a step back to take a huge leap forward. I did something very impulsive yesterday. I bought a plane ticket to D.C/Maryland for the weekend of June 22nd. A college friend I haven't seen in over 10 yrs invited me and since I have no money, I thought, why not? Thank god for credit cards. Hopefully by then I'll have some sort of steady income. It's only for 2 days. I haven't been to the area since 1996, so it'll be great to return. I need a mini-vacation. Now only if I can figure out a way to afford going to L.A, NY, and France this summer, I'm set for a while. I'm sure something will break. I'm hoping for something better this time around. I just need to get my priorities straight and focus.