Up the Down Escalator

So, today I start a new job. Yippee. It'll be my 5,000th job or something like that. It's supposed to last "indefinitely" but the last time I had an "indefinite" job it was over within two months. I guess it'll be okay because it's money and it sure beats staying home all day. No more sleeping 'till noon, though. I still need to find a permanent gig. That's the key. Something that happened yesterday was I finally applied for my passport. Yes, in 10 weeks I will officially have my passport to escape the country. Of course getting a passport is the easy part--finding the money is harder. I'm totally dedicated in going to France. It's something I feel the need to do. I hear it changes you. I need that. Maybe I'll go and never come back. Wishful thinking. There's surely not a whole lot else going on. Oh, I'm probably going to die alone. I have that going for me right now. Why can't the guys in my life realize I'm so much better than 90% of the women out there? I mean, do I have to spell it out for them? I just don't get guys. Why can't they simply realize how awesome I truly am? It makes me want to beat them into an unconscious state and then make them plead for mercy. I know to say "I'm gonna die alone" is seriously feeling sorry for myself, but I occasionally have these morbid thoughts, especially when the so-called guys are being dense. Guys can be such flakes. I'm intelligent. I'm cute. I'm well-versed in music history. I know I have my issues but everyone does. So, what else do I have to be? Why can't the right guys (and I emphasize the word right) fall head over heels in love with me? Meaning why can't the guys I think are awesome think I'm so totally awesome right back to the point where they are dying to hang out with me? I don't get it. Am I doing something wrong? Is being charming not enough? I feel like I'm heading back to the drawing board. I'm sick of having to meet someone new because it never goes anywhere. How many guys do I have to meet anyway? I like possibly 3 guys right now and one is a flake, the other has no idea that I'm crazy for him, and the other has issues and obstacles and is tied down at the moment. So, that leaves me with nothing. Maybe I should take solace in being alone. I'm not someone who does need someone because if I did I'd be with some other guy for the sake of it. But it's nice to mutually be adored, nice to have someone to hang out with on a regular basis without any hangs up, blah, blah, blah. It's nice not to feel like such a failure. Fuck it then. I'll just be alone. We are all alone anyway. These guys just don't know what they're missing out on. They are just missing out on all kinds of awesomeness and realness that most women never exude except for me.

I just awoke from a dream in which I was pregnant. Seriously. I was pregnant and George Clooney may or may not have been the father. For real. Either that or some random guy. I was trying to figure out who my baby's daddy was. I was like Madonna in her "Papa Don't Preach" video. I was all like, should I keep it? How do I break the news to everyone? What the hell do I do? Should I keep the baby just to see what Clooney's kids would look like? Thankfully, I woke up and alas, all a dream. I guess that's the alternative to being with someone. In moments like these, it's best to be uninvolved.

Okay, I'm finished feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully the rest of the week will perk up and I can finally break out of my slump. I'm going away for the extended weekend, so maybe when I return things will have improved on all fronts. If not, I'm getting myself to a nunnery.