You Can't Always Get What You Want

I ended up driving to Ohio over the weekend to chill out a little bit. The gas prices are so ridiculous it almost wasn't worth it. I'm back in Chicago now, still unemployed, but hoping and searching for something better. My mother basically tried to talk me out of moving to NY this weekend. She did make some good points, though. I suppose if I was a rich girl, moving there wouldn't be an issue, but since I'm barely above the poverty line, probably not the best idea. Also if I moved there now I'd just be escaping. I have a tendency to think the grass is green on the other side, but I know in my heart NY won't solve my problems and living there would entail a whole set of new ones. Wherever you go, there you are. I do love Chicago and think it offers a lot, and I think could I really just pick up and leave everything I've built up behind? I would maybe consider going to NY for a couple of months, but It'd have to be for some golden opportunity. For now, I'm here in Chicago. My mom made another point that you can't always do what you want. Some things aren't meant to be. If we did everything we desired, acted upon every inkling, where would we be? I don't want to make poor decisions. I have to be realistic.

So, with New York off the table for a while, now what? I feel so completely lost right now. I feel like that U2 song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." My life is so all over the place, so scattered with a dearth of stability. I keep floating from dead end job to dead end job, temp, to temp, not finding any satisfaction. I don't think I've ever had a job I truly liked (except for The Onion, but I was an unpaid intern.). I really wish I could hold out to find something I could really like, not just like for a week, but for years. I think the key is finding something related to my field while I support my ambitions. I wish I could work for a newspaper or do something creative, yunno? A job that wouldn't be purgatory. I also gravitate towards temp or independent contract jobs. If you are a temp or contractor, you're basically disposable to the company. I need to find a salaried position with benefits and buckle down. Of course the downside is being trapped, but if it was something cool, I could manage. To this day, the only job I've ever quit was a salaried job. After 5 months, I couldn't take it. But for a while it did offer some semblance of certainty. I hate being unemployed. It makes me feel so worthless. I'm seriously anxious right now. I'm wondering how much of this I'm going to have to go through. I wonder how long I'm going to have to keep searching, searching, searching. Will I ever settle down? I wish I could live off unemployment this summer and spent it writing and traveling. I really want to go to L.A and up to Maryland/D.C this summer, then of course to France. But without funds coming in, may be hard.

Last night I watched the movie Next Stop Wonderland. I must be on a Brad Anderson kick (he also directed Happy Accidents). NSW was released in 1998, which makes me feel very old. Was 1998 really almost 10 yrs ago? That's the year I moved to L.A. Sigh. Anyway, I hadn't seen the film probably since it came out and with this viewing, it spoke to me in a new way. The main character (her name is Erin, ha!) is 29, her boyfriend leaves her, she goes on a string of bad dates, she wants to escape her life, and she's searching for someone better. Eventually through fate, she meets the right guy. So we think. There's a great line, a quote from a Brazilian song in there: "Sadness has no end; happiness does." Maybe I subscribe to this sentiment. I don't know if I truly believe in happiness. I feel if I've obtained it, then something bad would happen, yunno? That I'd grow complacent, thus, never strive for anything more. Happy moments are fleeting and occur less than sad ones, so you should embrace the good times. Or something like that. I just want to quit being so uncertain of my life. I change my mind too much. One minute I want one thing, the next another. Good God, someone needs to slap some sense into me.

More and more, I'm thinking I want a relationship (eh, scratch that). I know I've stated this before, but I'm think I'm coming to the end of my "playing the field" phase. How much more field is there to play? It's becoming a juggling act. My friends get confused about all the guys I discuss. I think I need to narrow it down to a couple of promising candidates and focus on them. The focus being of actually "dating" them or forming a real relationship that'll go past the 2 week mark. Summertime is upon us and it'd be fun to have someone to hang out with, travel with, etc. Casually of course. Avoiding the "let's be friends" speech of course. Fortunately, I have 2 candidates in mind. We'll see how they work out. We'll see who wins me over the most. Tonight I'm supposed to swap a mix cd with someone. I don't think I've ever done a mix cd exchange before. I find it endearing. Mix cds are so personal. I mean, there are entire books written on the process. The film/book High Fidelity is all about making the perfect mix for someone. It says a lot about who you are and who they are. It documents a certain point in your life because no matter what happens, you'll always have the cd as a record of where you were in that time of your life and remember the person who gave it to you. I just hope the mix I'm given doesn't suck.