So Close Yet So Far

On Monday I was having one of those feelings, yunno, those feelings you get that something good is going to happen. It's an instinct. Then yesterday something good did happen. I got a call about a job I applied for. And not just any job--a job at a very prestigious and popular magazine here in Chicago and in other cities. To my surprise, it was a pre-screen interview. I was taken off guard which I suppose was the point. She asked me a bunch of questions about my previous job, why I want to work for the company, etc. She said she'd call me the next day if she wanted to bring me in for an in person interview. So, it's the next day, and no call yet. I was all excited yesterday at the thought of finally having found a decent job which would entail a lot of opportunity and stability. But now I'm feeling really down at the thought of not only this falling through but that maybe I'm not meant for any sort of greatness. Maybe I'm not even meant to stay in Chicago. I keep trying and hoping but sometimes I think what's the point. There are other jobs out there I know, but I don't want to keep leap frogging from one to another. I just want something to click into place. I watched the movie Pursuit of Happyness over the weekend and in some ways it inspired me. Will Smith was homeless trying to make ends meet, and if he can struggle and work hard and become a millionaire, I sure and the hell can make it too, right? I just want a good career. I don't need to be a millionaire. I guess I feel entitled to something better. I feel like I deserve to get what I want because I've struggled and worked my ass off for years doing shitty jobs just to get by and to gain experience. I also feel like I have to live up to people's expectations. There are certain friends and family members who really supportive of me and I want to come through for them and prove I'm not a fuck up. More than anything, I want to prove this to myself. I just feel like giving up and moving back home and becoming a regular person. Oh well. I've also spend the past couple of days revamping my resume. My friend has been helping me make it more detailed listing all of my duties to make it appear as if I haven't jumped around so much. Maybe it'll help bring me better job prospects. So, I'm back to square one, searching for something better, searching for the right guy, blah, blah, blah. I also haven't heard anything about getting a Pitchfork press pass so I'm worried that may not come through this year which will suck. Everything feels up in air and I'm so bad at waiting for things to happen. I keep trying to combat the negative thoughts streaming in, but when you don't hear back from people, you begin to assume things. I keep repeating positive affirmations over and over again, but I can't seem to push out the worse case scenarios. Someone, please slap me. Then again, if I had a full-time job, I wouldn't be able to go to France. No job is gonna give me time off to go to Europe. This is non-negotiable. No matter what I'm going to Europe and I'm not letting some job get in the way of it. There.

At least tomorrow night will bring free booze and fun. I can look forward to that.