C'est La Vie

I've figured out I'm not really good at life. I don't think I'm very good at anything--not even writing. I constantly fear pissing people off or not being able to appease people. I sit there for hours analyzing what I could've done differently in any given situation. I am after all only human. I'm not perfect, but I wish I was a little more perfect. I never did get a phone call back for that job. I guess I'm not worthy to shuffle papers all day at some magazine. Oh well. Maybe there will be better opportunities out there. I also really need to get a job because I have expenses and bills that need to be paid and I feel like such a slacker when I don't work. Then again, maybe I'm not meant to work full-time because most jobs would simply suck unless it was a paid writing gig. That's all I really want to do--make a living freelancing--because everything else would pale in comparison. I also really want to go to France and possibly move to NY, so having a permanent job would detract from it. Then again, I'd take whatever is offered to me but right now I'm certainly not even being offered much.

It's increasingly becoming more difficult to obtain a press pass to Pitchfork. It's becoming such a hassle I'm simply thinking about skipping it this year. My editor is seriously pissing me off. He should appreciate all the time and energy I've put into the magazine over the past three years. I've gone the past two years with a pass and I must say I'm disappointed with the lineup this year anyway. I'm much more excited for Lollapalooza, another festival I need to figure out a way to get into. I will probably take the route I did last year, although I'd prefer to go legit this year. We'll see. Sometimes I feel life is so futile. What's the point in anything? What's the point in working, living, etc? Time flies by so fast. It just zips by you don't even remember half of it. You have fun and then it's over, and then on to the next thing. What are we working towards anyway? I guess I'm just really frustrated. I'm still uncertain what my destiny is. I suppose it'll slowly reveal itself to me.

I also need to find another roommate. I signed the lease but we need one more person to move in by the end of the month. Right now I have two possibilities, but I'm not sure who the right candidate is. My one friend is considering it and I'd like to live with him, but if he did move in, it would lead to a very complicated situation that would probably end with one of us moving out unless we could figure out a way to compromise. I hope we can mutually make the right decision and do the right thing. Today I randomly ran into a friend who is also in need of a place. I don't particularly want to live with a girl, but she may work out better. Such a quandary who to chose. It's not entirely up to me, though.

I don't expect my life to be all peachy keen, but I would like some sense of stability. I wish I could get paid to write more. I wish that would take off more. Sometimes writing feels more like a job and when it feels like work, I become restless. I know it can't be fun all the time, but sometimes I wish it wasn't so difficult to motivate myself to sit down and write. I think I'm being pretty hard on myself about everything . I feel as if I could be a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better lover, etc, all the way around. I really need to quit bitching about how stupid my life is because when I step back and look at it, I have it pretty good. I have great and interesting friends, I live in a fucking amazing city, I drink for free all the time and go to lots of free shows, and my life is always filled with some sort of drama. More than anything I really need to see the world. I was hanging out with two friends the other night. One had lived in Beijing for over a year, another friend has been all over the globe. I sat there for 20 minutes, silent, not being able to add anything to the conversation because sadly, I've never been outside of North America. I'm still somewhat young and not really attached to much, so I wish I could take off a month and travel around Europe, go to South America and see other continents before it's too late. Travelling a lot more is going to be a goal of mine. Just need to figure out the money situation first. I saw the film Paris, Je T'Aime last night and for an hour after the movie, all I could think about was how I desperately want to go to France, fall in love with the right guy, and never come back. Then I quickly snapped back into reality. But for a couple of hours, being immersed in the idea felt nice.

Today I helped my friend/editor of My Open Bar shower Wicker Park with fliers for our upcoming "hosted bar" party happening on Friday. We really need people to come to this, or at least RSVP. We have a quota to meet. I hope we meet quota and thus everything goes along swimmingly on Friday.

On a sad note, goodbye, Fuzz. We'll miss you.