Post Independence Day

This post is officially my 100th post! Congratulations to me. 100 posts of me whining, tales of relationship doom, hopes and dreams, blah, blah, blah. I guess a lot has happened since I started this damn thing way back in December. Luckily in the past few months I've changed my style of writing as not to piss anymore people off. Reading over some of my earlier posts, I'm surprised that I ever allowed myself to write and share certain details about my life. Here's hoping my updates get slightly more positive. And that I don't piss anyone else off with them.

Anyway, I had a pretty interesting Fourth of July. Yesterday I went to a friend's bbq and indulged in some fine food, freshly made mojitos and margaritas. Then we went to a rooftop party and watched a huge display of fireworks. The city looks so amazing from above it reminds me of why I love this city so much and questions how I could ever contemplate moving away. After a while, all the fireworks began to freak me out. On the walk home, people were setting off fireworks and it sounded like machine gun fire. For a minute I emphasized with the people of Iraq. Only for a second, though. The night before the Fourth, I hung out with some friends and played some drinking games. Bad idea. This led to some other things. Sometimes things happen when you least expect them to. Like I've said before, you may think a door is closed, but at the most inopportune time, it'll bust wide open. Nothing is truly ever over, but sometimes things take a while to come back to you. I keep thinking I want to be in a serious relationship, but time and time again the universe keeps reinforcing the fact I'm not ready to settle down with just one person. Or maybe I'm just allowing myself to be open to other possibilities. Either way, I feel as if I may be getting myself into a very sticky and complicated situation. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason a normal, ie, uncomplicated, life doesn't seem right to me. I'm afraid if certain people found out about certain indiscretions, it could cause some friction. Then again, I can justify all of it and maybe I'm just being paranoid. I'm feeling a little anxious about the impending situation, about what happened the other night, wondering if it's all going to be fleeting as usual. I've also realized I'm totally drawn to guys of the abnormal variety. Every guy I get involved with has some sort of hang up/obstacle to surmount. Maybe normal doesn't exist. Maybe we all have obstacles and challenging situations, but it seems more common with me. It reminds me of the movie As Good As It Gets when Helen Hunt has this exchange with her mom:

Helen Hunt: "Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one who doesn't go nuts on me?"
Mother: "Everybody wants that dear. It doesn't exist."

I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to be alone even if there are nutty guys out there. Being alone sucks.

I just want everything to be copacetic. It's baffling how fast time goes by. Passages of time floating by and you can't stop it. Life is so fleeting. I want to be okay financially, I want to write a lot more and get paid and get my shit out there. I want to feel okay with guys and relationships. I want my press pass to Pitchfork to come through already. Until all this happens, I'm simply going to feel slightly uneasy and panicked. But I know things also have a way of working themselves out and sometimes you just have to wait for things to manifest. Have some faith I guess and keep going. That's what I tell myself anyway.

I wish fun could be my occupation. Why can't I make a living out of having fun? I need to be independently wealthy to do that. Like Hugh Grant in About a Boy.

And the My Open Bar party tomorrow night better be awesome. I hope we can make some money off it. Making money doing what you love, aces.