The Good That Won't Come Out

It is almost Sunday evening and I'm at work. There is no one here which is nice. I'm really sick of working. The past couple of weeks have been insane trying to balance a job, an internship, and various writing deadlines. I feel a lot of pressure to always be getting things done. I can't slack off or turn things in late, etc. It's always something it seems. There's the writing and then there's the need to just sleep and watch movies and also to meet social obligations. Sometimes I just want to stay in and do nothing but there's always something to do and people to meet. I think I'd get bored if it wasn't this way but at the same time, I wish some of these demands would be lifted. But for now, this is how it needs to be. I need money, I need to write, and I need to party to alleviate all this stress.

In the past couple of weeks, more notably in the past couple of days, a few people (okay 3) have mentioned to me I'm too quiet and have encouraged me to open up more. I find this insulting. I know I'm not an open book and that I have a tendency to be really quiet, but just because I'm like this doesn't mean they have to alienate me. A lot of times I don't know what to say to people. What am I going to talk about? How my dad died almost a year ago and it affects me everyday? Am I supposed to talk about relationships with other guys with guys I'm involved with or want to be involved with? No. I'm also hesitant to tell people certain things because I'm afraid they'll judge me. I've done some crazy things in the past year and maybe it's best if I keep these things to myself. I am the kind of person who gradually feels comfortable with people. I have to learn to trust people first then I'll open up. Eventually. Everyone has their own quirks. Everyone is socially awkward in a way. This is how I'm socially awkward. Doesn't mean I should be ripped into. I'm doing my best to survive, here. So, I'm going to make a conscious effort to open up to these people. I'm not sure how it'll go, but maybe I need to talk about some things with some people because sometimes I definitely feel disconnected. I think I also have an easier time opening up to my girlfriends then men because with my girlfriends I can get real personal but with men I hold back a bit. So, we'll see how this new form of intimacy goes.

Saturday night I went to a party and didn't have much fun. I wasn't really in the mood to go out but decided to force myself. Bad idea. I spent most of the evening silently pissed off at a certain someone there. I'm on the fence about this person now. I know I'm probably overreacting but that's the way I'm feeling. Plus I found out some details about this person that's making me question some things. I don't know if I should tell this person I know certain things. I'm wondering if the whole thing is even worthwhile anymore. I guess I need to figure that out. The only good thing that came from last night was roommate bonding. I'm really grateful for my roommates. They are cool and laid back and are there for me. When I woke up Saturday afternoon, one of my roommate's was like: "Want some breakfast?" It's nice living with someone who cooks for you. I'm glad I have them and I definitely need to hang out/open up to them more. I have reached a new level of understanding with one of them. I'm glad this has occurred. Saturday morning I realized it is possible to sleep in a bed with a guy and have nothing physical happen. Of course this makes me want this person even more. Interesting.

Friday I dropped a month's worth of rent to get my car serviced. I was baffled at how much it costs to get everything done from tires rotated to fluids refilled. From now on I'm taking my car back home to get serviced. It's much cheaper. And to top it off, there are still things that need to be fixed on my car but I'm holding off on it for a while. I really should get a bike. It might make things easier. Then again, I can't bike to Ohio. That's where the car comes in handy. I really wish I could travel right now to some new places I've never been. Whenever I do travel, it's to places I've been to a few times. I'm probably going to NY at the end of September so I need money for that. I'd like to go to L.A again since it's almost been a year since I've been there. And Europe of course. That'll be my new destination, but I probably won't be able to afford it for a long time.

I'm not looking forward to working all week. Sigh. I need to make more time to read and watch movies. I've been addicted to the new season of "Weeds." So good. I've already seen the first four episodes even though only one episode has aired so far. Thanks, Pirate Bay! And the new Rilo Kiley album is great, too.