The New Frontier

In three days I'm finally hitting the big one. I've been having a lot of anxiety with this milestone, but I think I'm starting to slowly embrace it. It's like the 5 steps of loss: denial, grieving, and inevitably acceptance. We all age and there's nothing I can do about it so I might as well deal with it. I just want to acknowledge the occasion and then not think about it anymore. It's not like I'm going to wake up on my bday and feel any different. It's like New Year's Day--everything is still the same. I keep telling people how old I'm going to be and they think it's no big deal and that 30 really isn't old. I guess my issue is one of time. Where the hell does it go? Where the hell have the past 30 years gone? I get anxious because there's a lot I want to accomplish but not enough time or money to do so. I guess I feel like I'm not where I want to be. I want to be more settled in my career and finances and at least be on the right path. I keep thinking, ohmigod, what if I never meet my dreams and goals? What if I'm still stuck in some horrible dead end job 5 years from now? What if I end up a spinster? Like my mom said, I should just enjoy the ride. In my 30s, I want to be better. I want to make better decisions and eat better and read more books and travel more. I want to be a better person and not worry so much about every minute detail of my life. I need to let go of all the constant worry. I guess I just need to have faith that it'll all work out somehow. It doesn't help matters that a lot of my friends are younger than me. It's strange that I have friends that were born in the 80s and didn't graduate high school until at least 2000. Most of the time, there isn't much of a discrepancy, but there are moments where people will have seen a certain movie or something when I was in high school and they just were in middle school. Age is irrelevant anyway. At least I don't feel nor look 30. Yet.

So, my big party is on Friday and I have no idea what it'll entail. Well, I do know there will be heavy drinking, albeit, safely. I went out and bought a birthday outfit to dress for the occasion. There will be lots of guys there so I have to impress. My friend Tyler's birthday is also on Saturday, the 15th. He's the only person I've met who has the same birthday as me. Tommy Lee Jones and Oliver Stone also share my b-day but I will never met them.

I keep thinking about what I want to accomplish with my writing. My friend asked me this last night and I'm not sure what the answer is. To entertain? To inspire? To show the truth? This friend said I need to challenge myself more with my writing. I guess a lot of what I do is considered journalism and not writing. Even if I got a job at Time Out (which would be awesome), I'd be a journalist not writer. I want to delve more into fiction and memoirs and write books and short stories. That'll make me more of a writer and probably challenge me a lot. It's also harder to get published that way.

It's getting colder here. Autumn is on her way. I love the fall but at the same time, I absolutely hate the end of the year. I hate how dark it gets and I hate the holidays and the fact another year has flown by. There's a definite nip in the air but it does feel somewhat refreshing.

Life.