1:30 a.m. Poetry

Sometimes I like to read over my old blog postings. Kinda like sifting through old journal entries. I came across this draft I wrote almost a year ago but never published on here for some reason. Reading it almost a year later, I don't really recognize who I used to be. I mean, I'm still fairly insecure when it comes to relationships and I freak out a lot, but I don't have the same opinions and feelings about men I had a year ago. Could it be that I've changed that much? Could it be that I've been saved by the right guy? I'm not going to be presumptuous here, but maybe good things can happen. And keep happening. Maybe things don't always have to end in hearts being shattered into a million of pieces. Maybe we all eventually get our happy ending--although I'm still not holding my breath. I realize I deserve to be with someone who appreciates me and loves me for who I am. I deserve to be happy. I am worthy. We all are worthy. Sometimes we just have to notice what (or who) has been in front of us all along. Yes, it's that simple sometimes. My eyes are open.

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November 17, 2007, 1:30am

It's nearing the end of the year and I sit here broken and alone. I wonder how I've managed to end another year all alone. Yet there is freedom being alone, or should I say, unattached. I ponder my douchebag magnet state and how yet again I've allowed myself to be drawn to certain situations and people. How that the older I get, things never get any easier. And the older I get, how gentlemen don't mature. I ponder all the heartbreak. Drama. Missteps. Mistakes. Some of which I brought on myself. Yet in my state, I regret nothing. There are things I wish would've turned out differently but you have to accept the cards you've been dealt. Resentment and bitterness grows more and more and "the one" eludes me everyday. Cruelty and spite and maliciousness, and not being the right kind of pretty runs through my mind. I get so angry sometimes. I ask questions that never receive answers. Despite my cynicism, I miss some people. I want to call them up and say hello but I know against my better judgment it's not worth it and it's not gonna change anything. Either their hearts are open to me or not but right now they seem to be sealed shut or reserved for another. So, I remain stronger by avoiding the situations. Avoidance has become my new friend. You don't have to take the high road if you avoid things. And sometimes you get lucky and by fate alone you get to avoid an awkward situation. I don't know how much more I can take of seeing him with her. She's so completely wrong in every sense. But yet I stand there helpless against these forces. You can't change people. You can't interject. You just accept them whether they are right or not.

Let go, says a little voice inside me. Most of the time the voices are so loud they obstruct my other thoughts. But there's a soft voice in the back of my head always whispering: "Just let go. Move on. It's okay. It's easy. It's in your best interest. You can do it." Sometimes I listen to her, other times I try to drown her out with louder voices: "I don't want to let go. I'm not ready," I hit back.

I know none of this babble makes sense to anyone but me. I struggle. I struggle to wrap my head around such amazing people how they sometimes can fail and disappoint me. But I am glad I've known them. I do my best despite the circumstances. Right now I'm particularly struggling in losing my best friend to her and losing my other friend to incompatibility. There is no resolution except my new year resolution will be for me not be a douche magnet anymore. I will see them coming from miles away and head for my protective bunker. I won't let them in this time. If only they didn't come equipped with charm and intelligence and humor I would be so much better off. Sigh. In the immortal words of Karen O: "They don't love you like I love you."

And now for some late night/early morning song dedications: I'd like to dedicate some Ryan Adams to a certain someone, how about "I Am a Stranger" or "So Alive?" I'd like to send some Mountain Goats to someone else. I bet you went to their show last night, didn't you? You're predictable like that. And finally I'd like to send some Sufjan Stevens to another. If I ever do get a chance to meet him, per your request, you can come along.

You all know who you are.

Goodnight Juliette Lewis and all your badassness.