A Case of the Blahs

Right now, it's trying to sleet outside. I do not like this. It's cold and it gets dark really early and it's only gonna get worse from here on out. I'm not transitioning into winter very well. This whole week I've been feeling so "blah." I don't know why. I feel stagnated and bored and everything seems dull and lackluster. This isn't to say there are things going on. I mean, my Jasper Johns article came out today and my name looks all nice in nine point font and all, and I had a nice little article in Time Out this week, but I feel like things should be happening but aren't. I need to attract positive situations. For instance. Today I lost Time Out's CTA card. They let me borrow it when I do errands. It had $43 on it. I'm obsessive about these things to the point where I'll check like 10 times to make sure I have it. I'm a stickler for always making sure I have my purse, and my keys, cell phone, Ipod, etc. I'm always trying to avoid being one of those people who goes out, gets drunk, and then loses necessities like the above items. And today I was completely sober. It's just gone and it's not like they can deduct it from my imaginary paycheck. So, I'm beginning to seriously doubt myself again. I feel like I'm in some purgatory, some holding pattern: trying to move forward but not able to. I just want to have money and be successful. I just want to make a living doing something I'm passionate about and love and not have to struggle anymore or pay my fucking dues. I'm done paying dues. I want to coast a little and feel carefree and not have this weight pressing down on me in how I'm going to get by every month. I don't want to be one of those people who always talks about dreams and goals and never meets them. Something has to click, soon. I just feel like I'm waiting for things to happen because that's all I can do. A couple of days ago Time Out got a state-of-the-art coffee machine. The thing is huge and it makes espresso, cappuccinos, whatever you want. This has been the highlight of my week and honestly, Starbucks makes better coffee, but for an office, it's pretty sweet. For the next few days, my old roommate from LA, Derek is in town. He was here in August so it's nice he comes around every couple of months. Derek owes me a lot of money, money he doesn't seem to have even though he travels a lot. Well, he's sorta a nomad and doesn't really have a home, but that's besides the point. I don't know why it's so difficult to get paid sometimes. I'm hoping for things to pick up this weekend. I feel the need to get into trouble. I need some positive drama. Is there such a thing? I want to have fun instead of sitting here stressing out and worrying about every little thing like I should say this or I shouldn't write that or I should smile more or I should call this person and what not. There I go analyzing everything to death but people are observant and I want to make good impressions so maybe it's not a bad thing to walk on eggshells once in a while or to be aloof. Sometimes all I want to do is watch movies and read books and be anti-social but I know that's not going to happen.

I'm going to start selling subscriptions to Time Out Chicago. For every subscription I sell, I get $10 commission. It's only $19.99 a year! So if anyone out there wants to buy a subscription from me, let me know. It's the perfect holiday gift!! (end of plug).

In the immortal words of The Smiths, "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want."