Something in the Air

This weekend seemed to fly by. The weather was slightly warmer during the day signifying Spring may be getting closer, thank God. Friday night was pretty lo key but last night was kinda crazy. My friend threw a Eurotrash/White trash party which was fun. Most people dressed either glamorous or like trailer park denizens. The best costume was someone who took white trash literally and wore a white trash bag. My effort consisted of a lot of dark eye makeup, a black shirt and a leather jacket. I didn't really drink much all week until last night when I ended up having to crash at my friend's place. I'm mad at myself that I wasn't feeling good enough to hang out with some people at the party. I keep envisioning in my mind what would've happened if I would've been able to be more social. Maybe I drink to assuage my social awkwardness around people. I use it as a social lubricant. In the future, I will strive to make better decisions.

Saturday afternoon I went over to my friend's place and watched him cook and clean for a few hours. I know it's a weird thing to do, but sometimes it's the only way to spend some quality time together. I've come to the conclusion everyone I know has a nicer place than me. Everyone has an adult apartment with nice furniture and painted walls and stuff. My place is always trashed because my two roommates are messy. There are always dishes in the sink and food everywhere. Someday I want my own place with nice furniture and cleanliness. I like hanging out at other people's places. It makes me feel like I'm away or something. Lately I've been feeling a sort of disconnect with some people. I have the desire to feel close and connected to others and sometimes I don't get that because of lack of time or whatever. Or maybe it's just the need to bring people into my world, like having meet the people I hang out with and experience what I experience. Sometimes I wish I could be more talkative. Sometimes I wish I could take some road trips with friends and travel more to visit people. I like the idea of hanging out with people at a home or sitting around watching movies and listening to music and partaking in slumber parties and just enjoying each others company and doing things outside the typical bar scene. Parties are good to catch up with people, that is of course if you can stay awake long enough to enjoy it. Sometimes I miss people even though they're right in front of me or a phone call away. Maybe that's all it is--missing people or feeling the need to spend a lot of time together so we don't drift apart. I always need that confirmation. I can't exactly explain how I'm feeling right now. I feel like a bundle of mixed emotions, trying to figure out what I want and how to get it yet feeling extremely insecure. I'm always afraid of saying and doing the wrong thing and I never know how others truly perceive me or what they're thinking. Maybe I'm just looking for some honest conversations. And boys. They frustrate me to no end. I feel as if I'll never get it right, or what I want to happen never will. I guess I have to keep on trying.

Even though I technically have a part time job right now, I'm still broke. I feel as if I'll never dig myself out of this hole. I doing some marketing stuff for Time Out and The Onion that pays a little. I just wish I could get paid faster. I'm also going to look into freelance opportunities with bigger publications that pay well. Just wish the checks would come faster. Well, it's time to sit through three hours of Oscar coverage. Hip-hop hooray.