Spring Break or Else

Today I got some disappointing news: I did not get that Time Out job I applied for. It wasn't anything against me; they just decided to hire someone who had several years more experience than me. My boss was really nice about it and said I did an amazing job, etc, etc, but now I'm going back to working for free. I keep thinking, do I really want to work for Time Out? They are seriously struggling. Hopefully I can freelance for them and get paid, but I keep thinking something better is around the corner. Then again, we are heading for a recession. I'm really bummed out. At least I had three weeks of paid work for them. Maybe I'm just not meant to stay in Chicago. Maybe NY or another city beckons. As much as I love Chicago, maybe it's time for me to move on. There's probably more journalism opportunities in other cities. I'm beginning to feel like Diablo Cody except without the seedy past. Maybe I just need to keep up and not quit. But how much longer can I seriously struggle? Maybe I just need to sell out and get a horrible job where I'll be paid $60,000 a year but I know I'd be unhappy. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just not meant to live a creative life. And really, I don't know a single person who loves their job or has job security. Even working for Time Out would be stressful. I just don't know anymore. Maybe having a dream job is a fantasy--like having an ideal mate. It's all built up in our little minds. I guess we have to take the glory whenever we can because it surely doesn't last long. Dream jobs simply don't exist. I simply cannot do anything else but write. It's the only thing I'm good at. I contacted other publications about freelancing for them. If I could make a living freelancing, I'd totally do it except it takes most publications forever to pay you. Something just has to give. How much longer am I going to be destitute and mooch off my support systems? I keep hoping something better will come along, but who knows. On the positive side, I did meet my goal in a way and accomplish something. Ever since I started at Time Out, I wanted to break into the music section. Until a couple of months ago, it seemed impossible. Then, it happened. Then, I was getting paid to write about music. Even though it was fleeting (like most things in life), I met my goal so I can't feel too sad.

In the meantime, I'm going to drown myself in free booze. I'm temporarily putting myself on Spring Break. I'm jealous of my friends who are in school and get next week off. Why can't us worker bees get Spring Break, too? I'm just going to try and have fun in the next week and of course write and stuff. I won't be a complete slacker. I need to reevaluate my life and figure some shit out. It's technically March Madness and there will be a lot going on. At least I still have paid marketing work coming in. This has been the most negative winter ever. I can't believe what bullshit has arose out of it for myself and my friends. Luckily, spring is on the way. A time for rebirth and renewal. Hopefully. I don't know how much more disappointment I can take. I keep thinking I should just move to NY since there's a lot more opportunity to do what I want. Or New Zealand. Somewhere else. But I'd miss Chi-town too much.

I'm hoping the next few days will fair better. I've gone out drinking every night this week, yet sadly, have yet to really be drunk. The nights have ended quite early this week which in turn throws me off because I think it's much later than it is. Tomorrow I have a friend in town from NY and am going to see one of my fave bands DJ. Hopefully things will look up because, goddammit, I deserve some good things to happen, right? I deserve a kick ass career, a kick ass love life and a boat load of money. I have no desire to be rich or famous--just to get by every month and have some money left over to travel. I deserve it, right? Or maybe I'm wrong to even think so. I'm a good person and I help people whenever I can and they help me. I like to think I have good karma. So what the fuck am I doing wrong in this life???

But, whatever. I've also been thinking about the concept of being single lately. My friend and I had a discussion and wondered why we were single or why a lot of our friends are single--like it's a bad thing or something. Then I thought, well maybe we're douchebags. Here we all blaming guys for being assholes, but maybe we're the ones who are assholes. Then I re-thought my statement and realized, no, we're not douchebags, we're awesome. It's the other people that are douches. I think what it comes down to is us singletons refuse to settle. If I really wanted a boyfriend, I could have one, it justs wouldn't be the whole package and inevitably I'd be unhappy. Most of the single people I know are single by choice because they've been in a serious/long term relationship before and have been burned and just don't want to deal with it anymore. It's understandable. I think a lot of people are in relationships or stay in relationships because they fear being alone which isn't good. I'm not one of those people. To me, being single is an expression of freedom, of independence. It's saying I'm not going to settle for some douchebag or be with someone because I can't handle loneliness. But then again, if most of my friends were in relationships, I'd probably start to get nervous thinking it'd never happen for me. For now, viva singlehood!