Introspection

I'm still bummed out about the whole no job thing, but I'm trying to think about the positive things. My mom always says at least I'm not in a wheelchair or something, that it could always be worse, but I've barely have money to eat every month. I'm going to apply for food stamps, though. We'll see what happens. All I want is to have a job, er, a career which entails me being creative all day. If that involves writing, great. I'm not giving up or anything, but I'm sick of the struggle. Then again, maybe life is an eternal struggle full of ups and downs. I just wish there would be more ups. I think a lot of the negativity has to do with the winter. It seems like a lot of bunch shit has happened to people I know this winter. I keep thinking spring will make everything better and put everyone in a better state of mind. And as some people say, when one door closes another one opens. Doors are constantly being open and shut. I don't know what the answer is and have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I thought I'd have it figured out by now. Or maybe we never truly do. I think another thing is I need to get out of Chicago for a few days. I haven't left town since Xmas and its getting to me. I need to travel.

Last night I had dinner with a friend from NY who was in town. He's actually a friend of a friend, but I've met him a few times visiting NY and he was at my friends wedding last year. It was good to talk about NY with him. It filled my NY itch. Whenever I'm around New Yorkers, it really makes me want to move there, but sometimes you can just live vicariously through them. Then, I went to an art opening. I have to write a profile on the artists showing their works. It's a gallery I've been to before and like quite a bit. I met the artists and felt like I hit it off with one of them. For the first time I had a lengthy conversation with the gallery owner and as a result, felt good about the event. Sometimes you just need to take the time to get to know people. Plus they had free beer there. I think the opening reinforced my purpose in the world to meet interesting people and to write about them. Art is important and what I do is important. If I write about a band or artists and someone reads it and is compelled to check out their work, I've done my duty. And even if no one reads it, at least it's out there in the world and I'm helping others. This is why I can't give up on my writing because people need me to help them. I really should write that book I've been working on for 3 years, already. Afterwards, I went to a club because one of my fave bands was DJing. I felt the whole night was a big disappointment after that. It was free before 11pm--I got there exactly at 11pm and had to pay a cover. I was so pissed. It wasn't as crowded as I had expected and the music could've been better. I was so distraught to even enjoy the night. Going home, I kept thinking maybe I should drive home or go somewhere or just disappear off the face of the earth. I think about these things all the time, that I could escape and not talk to anyone for days. But then reality and obligations kick in and suddenly I'm grounded again. I can't shirk my duties because there will be consequences. Sometimes I feel like disappearing so people worry and then I'll actually know if they care about me or not. I know that's immature and feeling sorry for myself, but these thoughts do pass my mind sometimes. I don't really want to drink anymore. I wish I could take a hiatus because drinking isn't the answer. I'm not a very self-destructive person, but sometimes it seems to temporarily make things better then immediately worse. So, yeah, I'm a little lost right now, a little upset and frustrated feeling the need to escape, feeling disappointed about everything in my life right now, but hey, at least I have My So-Called Life to give me wisdom. And I have a great support system of friends and family who care, and I thank all of them for their encouragement and sympathy. I'm lucky that way.

Well, soon I have to go drink free rum. My Open Bar is sponsoring an after party of the Chiditorod--a shopping car race except instead of dogs there are people. Us writers have to go and spread the word about the site. One good thing is My Open Bar is going to start paying us writers a little. I don't know how much or when, but it's something, I suppose. And what I've learned in life is it's never just all good or all bad. Damn ying yang.

I just found out if all goes well, I could possibly be a wealthy woman very soon. I'd in turn pay off all my debt and get lost in Europe for a while. Fingers crossed.