Back to Square One

For the past couple of days, I've been kinda sick. I think it may have to do with the fact I went out every night last week and also due to the immense amount of stress I've been under (mostly because of the job sitch). I'm pretty sure I had a fever Sunday night that now has been downgraded to a cold. This is like my fifth cold this season. Lately, the weather has been nicer. For the first time in months, all the snow and ice has melted giving way to safer streets. There's even a tinge of warmth in the wind signifying spring will soon be here, thankfully.

Tomorrow morning I have to work at 6:30am to hand out Time Outs at the El stop. Granted it's only for three hours and I will be paid handsomely, still, 6:30? For real? I'm glad I only live two blocks away from the El stop. This week I'm back to unpaid intern status. Not being paid makes me feel somewhat worthless, like I shouldn't try as hard or something. I mean, I'll always try hard, but if they're not going to give me a damn job, then it all seems so futile. I'm in the process of pitching ideas to them and other publications. It's so hard to think of ideas sometimes, especially good ones. I'd much rather be assigned stories. I'm also trying to distract myself by going to lots of concerts which I'm in the process on getting on the list for. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore and there's a part of me that can't even wrap my head around it. There's also another part of me that wishes I could simply shut the world off and not talk to anyone or do anything for a while. For instance, on Saturday I felt like falling off the face of the earth. I was going to turn my phone off and not go to this event I was suppose to attend, but alas, I caved in and let my phone on only to receive a ton of phone calls and texts throughout the day and night. I like being popular and all, but sometimes you just need a break from life. I of course can't take a break or I'll miss out on everything. I'm going home for Easter which will be a nice respite. Hopefully I can make it down to Lexington to see my friend, too. Right now I just need to figure out a way to make money, especially in a way that won't lead to suicidal tendencies. I feel as if some money making opportunities have passed me by while I've been waiting on my real career to start. I keep thinking I should be rewarded for my sacrifices, that they aren't for nothing, but who knows.

Enough grumpiness. There are things to look forward to like St. Patty's Day weekend, the opening of my friends play on Friday, the possibility of interviewing one of my fave bands, open bar events and the myriad of concerts I'll be attending in the next few weeks. I need to continue to network and see what happens. I'm seriously trying hard to be optimistic right now because believe me, I feel really defeated and I hate telling people "So, um, I didn't get that job." It makes me feel like a failure. Maybe I'm not meant to do anything profound with my life, or maybe it only happens in small glimpses here and there. Little bits and pieces that add up to something bigger. I have to believe I'm destined for something greater, but I'm really beginning to wonder. Does anything ever work out the way we want to in life? Can't we at least have one thing we desire? Goddamn, how did I get to be so cynical?