Spring Forward

I guess it's been a few days since I've written. It's strange to think people freak out about my well being when I haven't posted in a few days. Yes, I am alive, and yes, I am okay, well, as okay as I can be. I'm finally getting over my cold that's harbored me for the past week. First it was a fever, then it turned into a nasty, full-fledged cold. I couldn't stop sneezing and coughing. Wednesday morning I had to hand out Time Outs at the El stop from 6:30-9:30am, and it was freezing out. It didn't help matters. It took me over an hour to feel slightly warmed up. I had to go into the office to work for a couple of hours, then I went home and slept a few hours. I wasn't going to go out that night, but decided to go to a concert I had planned for weeks. I ended up staying out until past 4am closing two bars. That's what happens when you hang out with people on spring break. Not bad for a Wednesday night, especially since I'm an unemployed freelancer now. I think the alcohol killed some of my germs. It was the first time I'd drank in like three days. I guess I can't go more than three days without drinking. Now, this doesn't mean I have a problem or anything because let me emphasis I don't really get drunk that much, mostly buzzed. I can cut myself off, too. Thursday night I went to a restaurant event involving free drinks and food. It was pointless to go since by this point I'd lost my sense of taste and was so tired from the night before.

Friday night I went to the opening of my friends play, Next Stop Spinsterland. I was quite impressed how good it was. They put so much hard work into it. So many details. It's been 5 years in the making. I'm really proud they accomplished something, especially something so solidly good. I hope it's a success for them. They even thanked me in the program (second thank you in a program this year) which made me feel good. I wish I could help them even more. Afterwards, they had an after party at a bar. Free food and booze is always a good thing. I didn't really know many people there, so I ended up spending most of the night drinking with my friend's husband and another couple. I keep meeting people from CA and it makes me miss it. I really want to go back to San Fran sometime. Anytime I meet someone from CA I have to talk to them about it. Last night I went to an art opening (with free wine) and then to a bar where we scored free Colt 45 cans all night. I finally made to the High Dive which I think is going to be my new fave bar. Their walls are covered with concert posters and they have a kick ass indie rock jukebox. I don't know why it's taking me so long to go there. So, it was basically a weekend of free stuff, which is my fave kind of weekend. No money spent. Tonight I have 3 art reviews to write and then I think I'm seeing a movie with a friend. My life never stops.

Lately, everything seems like an obligation. Writing. Reading. Going to concerts. Going to art galleries. Returning emails. If I don't stay on top of what's going on in the world, I will fall behind. This entails reading a lot of publications, listening to new music, going out, etc. I don't know if I'm just burning out or what it is. Sometimes I wish I could just lay around all day and do nothing but if I do that, I'll end up having 30 emails to deal with (like the other day). I seriously don't know what to do with my life anymore. I need to find a job that entails me being creative 40 hours a week, but I don't know where to acquire such a job. It's becoming more and more distant for me to make a living as a writer. I feel it's become the impossible dream and maybe a dream I'm not meant to achieve. I keep thinking I'd be good at PR or working for an art gallery or something like that. I could always freelance on the side, but making a solid living is difficult. I feel like my confidence has been blown, that maybe I'm not good enough to succeed. What I am good at is making things happen for people. I'm good at pulling my connections and resources together to get on lists and help friends with their creative endeavors. That's why I keep thinking about PR, but I've never worked on the other side of it. Maybe I should just go to law school like everyone else who doesn't know what to do with their lives. Or maybe I should just move away. I really wanted to be the one person I knew who actually figured out a way to make a living as a writer. I thought I was the chosen one, but I guess not. I wanted to be the chosen one with an awesome creative job, the one who could forgo the day job and live off my talent, the one who had enough clout to help my fellow creative friends get amazing jobs, too. But, I'm not the one. I'm not anything, really. I'm just a girl in a city endlessly struggling to find her way. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever find my way or if it'll all come together for me. I keep falling back into the same patterns over and over again. I must be insane.

I'm looking forward to going home for Easter. This is the longest span of time I've gone without going home. Usually I go home at least once a month, but I haven't been home since Xmas for some reason. I really need a break. I really need to see my family. I keep dreaming about home. I think I need to travel more, but alas, you need funds to travel. I'm glad spring is almost here. It's still chilly and snowy, though. At least it'll stay lighter out longer. Thank god this horrible winter will soon be a distant memory. Thank god I have interesting nights out and am constantly meeting interesting people. I just wish everything would quit feeling like such a drag, though. I wish I could stop being so scattered. I wish I could turn it all off. I just need to find a way to enjoy things more instead seeing everything as a job requirement.