Anticipation

I can't believe how cold it's been here, lately. I was about to put away my winter coat when we were hit with cold temps. I hate that it's just going to jump right into hot and humid temps. Stupid Midwest weather. I want it to be warm! I want to be able to enjoy the flowers and buds blossoming. But, whatever. I also can't believe it's almost May. Where the hell does time go? It makes me very nervous that it's almost summer and that the year is almost over. I feel like nothing has changed for me in the past year. I'm still broke, still struggling, still have some of the same unrequited crushes (well, really only one) etc. Then again, maybe things never change or maybe you take years to evolve as an individual. I think from day-to-day you are pretty much the same person.

This time last year, I just moved into my current apartment. A whole year in this place. I did have a job at this time, but then got laid of 2 weeks later. I'm definitely doing a lot more writing now and at this point Time Out was just a dream, so maybe I've made some progress, but surely not enough. I don't know exactly where I want to be, I just want more. I haven't even traveled much this year and really don't have any hopes of it unless I somehow come of money. It's all wrapped around those dead presidents. Another cause for anxiety about summer coming, is the summer concert season. It's always a pain trying to get press passes to all the major fests here. I'm looking forward to Lolla more than Pitchfork this year. There are a ton of bands coming to town, but sometimes I get lazy about going to shows. Sometimes I'm just too tired to go or something else comes up. Or sometimes it's a pain trying to even get on the list or get plus ones. Just another thing to stress about. Anyway, I do like the month of May quite a bit. I think a lot happens: graduation, holidays, family birthdays and the kick off of summer. I'll be glad when some of my friends are done with school so we can start hanging out again.

I wish I could shake this constant feeling of dread, that at any minute I'm going to fall through the floorboards. Sometimes I really think I'm going to die. I know that sounds dramatic, but sometimes I feel like I'm only holding on by a small, thin thread and that at any given moment it's going to tear and I'm going to plummet. Sometimes I think, "what's the worst that can happen? I die? Good. Then I won't have to pay rent." Despite my gloom and doom, there's some sort of optimism keeping me a float. I don't know how to describe it, but I really believe things will eventually get better. Somehow.

I tried to quit my internship today, but they wouldn't let me. They are short staffed and really need me to stay on for a while longer. I wish I could negotiate something with them in terms of considering me as a freelancer instead of intern so I could get paid. At least there's opportunities for me to get paid once I go freelance. I definitely would like more responsibility in the sections I write for. I'm getting sick of writing about crappy bands no one cares about. I guess I have to hang on even longer. All this is happening for a reason, I suppose. Today I was denied writing for another publication because they think I'm writing for their competitor. I'm also tired of conflicts of interests. How am I ever go to make it as a writer if conflicts keep arising? I know there are ways around them, but I have to be honest. Well, most of the time.

This weekend my roommate and I are throwing a party. One of my friend's is also throwing a party the same night. I feel it's futile to even have this party because no one is going to show up. That's okay. My party will be the best one ever. I mean, I did throw a party last year and get kicked out, so you never know. There will definitely be stories coming out of my fiesta, that's for sure.

So, I finally filed part of my taxes. My federal is done and it looks like I'm getting a refund. It remains to be seen if I'll actually get a check or if it'll go straight to back taxes. I'm really hoping on the former or else I'm screwed. I'm still having difficulty filing my state taxes. I haven't been able to get my Illinois Pin # to work. Ugh. I can't believe the debacle it's been trying to do my taxes this year. Unbelievable. It looks like I owe a little for State. I just want them to be done and not ever have to deal with them again.