Negativeland

Lately I've been really negative. I know what you're thinking: what's new? I've been feeling chemically imbalanced or something. I have no reason to feel this way because FINALLY tulips are blossoming, pansies are being planted...spring is here! It's been fairly warm lately except for tonight it got chilly. I should be embracing this season instead of feeling so down on myself. I should be rejoicing because a lot of really good things have happened recently, and you know what? I can't be happy about them. It's like I'll be happy for a minute, then my skepticism sinks in. I begin to analyze it all to death and instead of thinking about the bright side, I think, "what now?"

I think my problem is I constantly stress myself out. Like insanely so. I got so stressed out today about the fact I had to call London and interview a band. The problem is my cell doesn't call internationally, I can't afford to call internationally, and the PR company couldn't conference me in internationally. Usually when I interview bands in other countries, like Australia and such, the PR company will conference me in and foot the bill (except one time when I had to pay $16 of my own money to call Canada). But not this time. So, I got all freaked out. I asked like five friends if they could call internationally on their phones and they couldn't. So, hopefully I can go into my publication's office tomorrow morning and make the call. Hopefully it'll all work out. So much trouble for a band I don't even like that much. I also got stressed yesterday because I'm supposed to write the Clubs listings sometime within the next couple of weeks. My editor took me aside and lectured me about how I labeled a band hip-hop instead of house. He was all nervous about my gaff. Okay, easy mistake, right? But still. It stressed me out. I can't lose this gig. I'm in self-improvement mode. I'm going to brush up on my electronica knowledge. I'm going to brush up on my grammar. I have decided to start jogging and eating healthier. I jogged a little tonight, and you know what? I felt better. For real. I have cut back on my drinking this week, too. Like way back. A part of it is I can't afford to go out and I've been really consumed with writing. It's gonna be hard to cutback since all my friends are enablers. I'll just save the binging for next week: Artropolis and Fashion Week bonanzas. If I quit drinking, I'll alienate my social circle, so I can't exactly do that.

I wish I could quit feeling so disconnected. I feel like I work so fucking hard, and for what? I'm still struggling financially. I'm always a month behind. I do so much writing and work it isn't funny. If this London interview goes through, this will be the second band interview I will have done this week. I wish those freelance checks would come much faster. I know I shouldn't complain because I really do have it good. Being poor teaches you to be more appreciative and resourceful. Okay, here are the good things in my life:

I got press passes to two premiere cultural events next week: Artropolis and Fashion Week. The former has an opening party and free food and drinks in its press room all week. The latter has several open bar parties. I can see pretty much any band I want for free. In the past two weeks, I've interviewed bands in Canada, Australia and London. Granted, I've never been to any of these countries, but it's still cool. I also get paid to write offensive blurbs for a drinking website. Okay, all this sounds pretty fabulous and sometimes I do need to step back and see what I do have, but you know what? I have zero dollars right now. Nada. How I manage to live, I'll never figure out. I don't want a ton of cash because I'd only blow it, but an extra five dollars in my wallet a week would be nice. Tonight a friend wanted me to come to concert. I would've loved to but there's no way I could even afford the $8 cover. I don't want to become "that poor friend." Then again, I realize I can't be greedy. I can't do everything I want and go to two concerts in one night.I have to take what I can get. I chosen to make a lot of sacrifices. I've chosen this lifestyle and most of the time it's pretty damn great. I just wish I could worry less about everything. One of my friends keeps bringing up wanting to go to DC. Like every week it comes up. Yunno what? I'd love to go, but guess what? I'm going to owe taxes. So there. Another friend wants to go to Memphis. I want to go to Seattle for a music fest in July. Yeah, it'd be nice to afford these luxuries. Speaking of taxes, I still haven't received my 1099. I really hope I can still get that $600. Or I'm really screwed.

Anyway, enough of being down on myself. A lot of good things are in the works. It's just everyday feels like a struggle sometimes. I have so much to do and several deadlines a week. I don't want to piss anyone off. I want to be perfect all the time. I don't want to ruffle feathers and confuse genres of music and be dirt poor. I just want to be the best at what I do. I want to enjoy what I do more without worrying about the next step. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit. Sigh.

Update: So last night there was an earthquake in Chicago! I woke up around 4am to feel my apartment shaking. At first I thought it was a plane flying over or something. I didn't know earthquakes were possible here. It freaked me out and reminded me of when I lived in L.A. The first earthquake I experienced also happened at 4am. I was living with cousin at the time and she ran in and started yelling about the earthquake all freaked out. The second time I was home alone and the walls started shaking for about 20 seconds. Scary. I think if you live near a fault line, you just have to acclimate yourself to them.

I think the apocalypse is upon us here in Chicago. Earlier in the week, a bunch of people got trapped in the subway during morning commute. Last night, earthquake. What's next-locusts? Floods? I knew I was feeling imbalanced for a reason.