Same Old, Same Old

I'm sort of to the point where I'm a little sick of everything. I'm sick of everything being the same way and I'm greatly annoyed by certain behaviors. For instance, my roommates have been pissing me off a lot, lately. The apartment gets smaller and smaller on a daily basis and I can't deal with them anymore. The kitchen is always wrecked and I'm just so damn sick of trying to clean up after two of the messiest boys ever. I've been having some sleep issues lately and living with them isn't making things easier. Last night I was about to fall asleep when one roommate stumbled in with five people waking me up and thus keeping me up for a couple of hours. Tonight I walked in on another roommate screwing his girlfriend on our kitchen counter. Um, yeah, awkward. Luckily I was able to sneak out before they saw me but all of these things really make me want to live alone. Okay, I need to live alone. I just know it's terribly expensive to live alone. I at least would like to only have one roommate, preferably one who is always traveling or elsewhere. My lease is up August 1, but I haven't even begin to think about where I'd live. It's creeping up, though. One of my roommate's and the girlfriend (kitchen counter) are off to the Dominican Republic for a week of R&R. I'm jealous because I fear I'll never be able to afford to go somewhere that nice. Them leaving also entailed them staying up until 2am, then getting up at 4am, rummaging around, and thus waking me up again. I don't understand why it's so complicated to go on a trip. You pack the you get up and leave. It shouldn't entail hours of packing, making tea, making more tea, and going to the bathroom like five times before jetting off. But, whatever. Maybe I'm being really petty here, but I've had enough. I don't have anything against the guys personally--I genuinely like them as people--but as roommates they kinda suck.

Lately, I've been feeling a disconnect with some people. One of my friend's does this thing where he falls off the face of earth for a month or so, then randomly reappears. I'm a big fan of consistency, and when people aren't consistent, I get annoyed. I understand wanting to disappear--believe me I consider doing this all the time but then don't--but I begin to take it personally. There are a few other friends I haven't seen/heard from in a while and I miss them. I wish people could find the time to hang out or at least put the effort into it. I'm to the point where I'm not going to put the effort into it anymore. If you want to hang out with me, let me know, otherwise I'm not initiating anything. Well, maybe a little, but not a lot. The ball is in your court. It's practically summertime and I feel things should be different. I want things to change, but not sure how. I want more stability, money, career, etc, but I want the people in my life to act differently. I desperately want to travel everywhere. I can't even afford to go to Ohio right now. I really want to go to the ocean. Maybe this weekend I'll go to the lakefront. It's not Laguna Beach, but it'll suffice. If I could get away every once in a while, I'd definitely feel better about life.

I have a friend who's the world's second best air guitarist. I know that sounds strange, but I realized he's my my most successful and famous friend. He's even been featured on CNN and a documentary about air guitar. I'm supposed to interview within the next week and I'm excited about it. I haven't talked to him in forever, so I'm glad we can use the competition as a means to reconnect. I keep thinking how strange is must be to be an air guitarist. He even went to the finals in Finland! I want a life like that where I look back and can go, "Yeah, I never saw myself doing that," but in a good way. I think I'm just burning out a little right now. I need to escape Chicago and my life for a few days. Thank God it's Memorial Day weekend, but I'm not doing anything too exciting. I'm going to some shows, possibly playing Urban Golf, going to a nice restaurant and probably sleeping a lot. I wish I could quit feeling so displaced about everything. I'm pissed my supposed tax refund went towards paying my back taxes, so no refund for me. I hope the stimulus won't be put towards my back taxes, that is, if I ever get it.

I keep thinking about my love life over the course of the past two years and I can honestly say, I haven't dated anyone. Okay, maybe there has been shades of dating and a lot of involvements, but nothing I'd define as a substantial relationship. All of it has been pretty fleeting. I know this sounds really pathetic, but I don't know how to define dating anymore. If you are consistently sleeping with someone, if this person buys you dinner, if you hang out a lot, if you are friends, is that considered dating? I think my perception has been warped over the past couple of years. I know I say things like "I don't want a boyfriend," but I do want to be wined and dined. I want romance and passion and friendship and to feel a part of something. I'm not good at doing the whole casual thing. My biggest fear is coming off as being needy. In the past, I've been really needy but since have gotten over it in a lot of ways. I believe in being together, but also separate, independent lives. I don't need someone around all the time, but I would like to know what this person is doing when I'm not around, yunno. I want to feel apart of plans and have it be understood that we're going to hang out every weekend. I think I need to go off and define these gray areas.

I've begun watching seasons of the British show "Peep Show." It's brilliantly funny. You get inside the characters' head and hear all their wicked thoughts as they secretly curse everyone out. I can relate to this. I constantly have these sorts of thoughts running through my head about people I know and complete strangers. I constantly want to tell people off.