Worry Worry Worry

So, I've been feeling really stressed and worried lately to the point where I can't sleep and where I keep having bizarre dreams. There's a lot on my mind, I suppose. First of all, I'm worried about a couple of my friends. One of them had a concussion which led to her brain bleeding! I haven't spoken to her much in the past couple of days, but today she definitely sounded better. I had a dream about her last night where she disappeared. Another friend may have something wrong with her stomach or pancreas because she gets violently ill when she drinks. I know on some level they'll both be okay, but I can't help but worry. I keep having dreams about roller coasters. Well, just two dreams. The one the other night, I was riding a roller coaster down a dark tunnel. At first it was fun and scary, but then just scary. I think the dream symbolizes my current state of interference, conflict, uncertainty, fear and emotional ups and downs. I think I want my life to quit being such a roller coaster ride. More than anything, I just want to move forward in all aspects of my life because I feel everything has been so stagnant for so long. But honestly, I'm afraid of a lot of things right now. I'm worried about what happens when I do get what I want. Will I still want it? Will I be good at it? The focus is career and relationships. I'm terrified of being in a relationship, yet I think things may be headed that way. I want this PR job, but then I'll really have to prove myself and I'll also have to give up a lot of my current writing gigs. I just don't want to piss anyone off. My friend did a Tarot reading last night and saw all my worry. She did get confirmation that everything is going to work out somehow, so I hope she's right.

Today I had a second interview for that job. I don't know if I'm going to get it because I don't have any radio experience. I'm not at my best during interviews either, but I tried to be as articulate as I could be. I still really want the job, but I won't allow myself to get upset if it doesn't happen. It'd change everything for the better, but I still worry the reaction it'll cause when I have to quit certain gigs. I'm prepared to do so because I can't keep going a long the way I have. It'll offer me stability and money, and I need that more than anything now. Plus it'd be a career, not just a job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Tonight I'm seeing my fave band, Cut Copy, in concert. I'm going to both their early and late show. The last time I saw any band twice in one night was almost exactly a year ago when I saw both Peter Bjorn and John shows. It was one of my fave concert experiences of the year and I'm pretty much expecting the same thing tonight.

I think I'm waiting for my life to change. It needs to change for the better. I feel like I deserve certain things. I've paid my dues. I want to put my passion into something I believe in. I want to make a difference through music. I just want to get my life on track and get somewhere for once. It's spring and the trees are blossoming and everything smells so nice, but despair lurks underneath. I want to get rid of the despair and angst and worry and just enjoy things for once. I just want everything to fucking be okay for once, yunno? I want to go to sleep not worrying how to make ends meet or when the right guy will come along, and for all I know he could already be in front of me, but I'm not certain.

Well, enough worrying for tonight. I'm going to enjoy seeing two shows of my fave band tonight and forget my troubles because there are a lot of good things going on.