The Summer of Our Discontent

This weekend, spring/summer finally arrived in Chicago. For the past two days it was sunny and warm and it didn't rain: perfect for the Do-Division fest. You know it's summer in Chicago when the street fests return. Luckily the fest was in my 'hood so I walked there and hung out yesterday. One of my friends lives on the street where the fest was happening, so he threw an impromptu rooftop party complete with a keg. It was fun to chill and watch the crowds and bands. Later that night, I went to another party so it was a long day of drinking. Today I went back to the fest for a bit and ran into a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while. I sorta realized not much ever changes with me. I'm still freelancing, still broke, still need some sort of steady job, etc. I'm not sure what I expect to be different about me at this point, but some things need to be different.

This weekend my theory of all men being non-committal, emo douches was confirmed. I seriously think I'm going to die all alone. I seriously think I'm never going to ever get married or ever have a boyfriend again and on some level, I'm okay with this. I mean, I keep throwing myself out there, so something has to give. Dating is a lot like the lottery: if you play enough, eventually you'll hit the jackpot, right? I don't know why I even bother to try anymore because every single guy I've ever been involved with has somehow disappointed me or told me he couldn't commit because some girl broke his heart, blah, blah, blah. And we're not talking one guy, here. It's like, get the fuck over it already! I've had my heart shredded a million times and you don't hear me bitching "I can't date you because my heart was destroyed." I really think it takes guys much longer to get over girls than vice versa. Women are much more resilient and stronger while men are basically pussys. And the thing is, I don't exactly need to be in a relationship--in fact I'm terrified and I know deep down it'll all end badly. Maybe that's one of my issues and why I'm drawn to these sort of men. Maybe I should go to therapy. And I have to listen to them discuss how relationships equal pain, but let me tell you something, if anyone knows about pain, it's me. So shut the fuck up! I was really hoping just one guy wouldn't be a douche, but I was proven wrong. I really feel like forgoing being involved with anyone for the rest of my life. I know it's easier said than done, but it makes things less complicated. I think I'm done. For real this time. I'm going back to focusing on my ever stagnant career.

I think Liz Phair summed it up best in her song "Fuck and Run:" "And whatever happened to a boyfriend/The kind of guy who tries to win you over?/And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love 'cause he's in it?/And I want a boyfriend/I want all that boring old shit like letters and sodas."

"And I can feel it in my bones/I'm gonna spend another year alone."