I Have a Boyfriend. Sorta.

Sometimes I wish I was a celebrity and have gossip magazines discuss my lovelife. I always wanted to be involved in one of those "are they or aren't they" scenarios or have "red hot romance" or "new beau" to describe my dating situation. I know I haven't really discussed boys much on here lately and I know there's been some speculation, so I'm just going to come out and say it: I kinda have a boyfriend. Well, as close to having a boyfriend without really defining it or changing my Facebook status. I told a few of my friends about him, but I must have some pretty perceptive friends because a lot of people have figured it out on their own. Or maybe body language goes a long way. Anyway, I've been casually "seeing" this certain someone for the past three months. Of course nowadays, how do you even define dating? What is dating in the 21st century anyway? Or I guess my mom would call it, "going steady." Even if we haven't established what we are, most of my friends refer to him as my boyfriend--but I can't tell if they mean it sarcastically or not.

This is probably the steadiest "relationship" I've had in the past two years, so I'm just trying to ease into it. What's great about it, is it's been this whole natural progression. I had known this person for about a year before things got really involved. I've realized that's where I went wrong in the past. If you just hook up with someone you just met, a real relationship will probably never materialize. It's doomed to fizzle out. On the other hand, if you build a foundation and establish a friendship first, it'll be bound to last longer. I'm terrified of what this all means and where it's going. Sometimes I let my insecurities get the best of me and I'm afraid I'm going to sabotage this like I did with my last relationship. I'm afraid of being too needy because in my last relationship I was psycho needy. I do think I'm such a different person than I was in my last relationship. I'm able to have my own life and do my own thing. I think this is important as in the previous relationship, I made my boyfriend the center of the universe instead of focusing on other things. I think I have enough on my plate now, like moving, working, writing, other social activities, to be distracted from just focusing on the relationship, which is a good thing. I have no idea where this "relationship" is heading and I'm just trying to take things week by week. I can't even think about if we're going to spend the holidays together or take trips or go to weddings, etc. It may or may not come to that. I'm also trying not to be too demanding because there are lot of places and things I want to do and since my guy has a lot more money than me, I expect him to shower me with paying for things. I guess that's the old fashioned in me. A guy should pay for a lady. It's like when I'd visit my dad in CA, I'd present him with a list of things I wanted to do and he'd do his best to make it happen.

I know I've written on here a lot that I didn't want a relationship, but I think we all knew that was a lie. I feel like I've played the field enough, been there, done that. I think all along I wanted something more substantial than a fling and I now I think I've found that. It's really great to be with someone who really wants to be with you, someone who you can talk to about anything and everything, someone who accepts you for your sordid past, someone who you can go out and do things with, someone who gets along with all your friends, etc. I think it helps that we have a lot of the same friends. I think it's also funny this person was right in front of me the entire time, but it took me a while to notice, and now I'm glad I did. Of course this guy isn't perfect and he definitely has his fair share of issues, but I think the important part is so far he's really putting the effort in to making me happy. My friend told me even if this doesn't work out, at least he'll have set the standard for the way a guy should treat me. It's taking me a long time to get to this point. I've had to trudge through a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. I'm constantly worried this new relationship is going to go horribly wrong, but for now, I can't really complain.

In a previous post, I discussed finding Lloyd Dobler. I think more and more, this guy is becoming my version of Lloyd. But if he stands outside my window blasting a boombox, this whole thing is over.