Selling Out?

Today a friend of mine lectured me a little about me needing to do something with my life. It was more of a "you need to do what makes you happy" lecture. Anyway, it got me thinking about what indeed am I doing with my life. My friend pointed out that I distract myself with boys and that I'm just stalling instead of going after what I want. I'll admit maybe I am distracting myself a little with my beau and with partying and such, but I don't think it's a major conflict. I just don't know what path to take.

More and more I don't even want to be a journalist. I keep saying, why am I writing about bars? What's the point? I've realized a lot of the writing I do is for money and I don't want it to be about the money. When I was freelancing, I depended on those checks to survive. But now that I have income coming in from this accounting job, I feel as though I don't need to pursue those writing options/event promotions as much. It's not as dire. And it's a lot of work. I do admit I like seeing my name in print and having people read my stuff, and some of the journalism I do is fun, but it's not what I want to do. I'm sick of weekly deadlines. I want to write this book I keep talking about and write some fiction. And I don't even have to get paid for it. My other friend said it best with you need a job and working for a corporation isn't selling out. Like bands who sell their music to commercials A lot of people see it as selling out, but how else are they going to pay bills and continue making albums? There's a way to sustain yourself without losing your integrity. And then he mentioned what if you do make a living doing what you love then lose your passion and then are just in it for the money? Like Nicholas Cage. He makes movies for the money and they suck. He's a businessman, not an actor, as my friend pointed out. And for me it's never been about the money. I want to do things because I love to do it not because there's a paycheck involved. I wish I could just write all the time and not worry about money and such. And I wish I could find a job that I actually like to pay the bills while I pursue other things.

I don't have the answers. I don't know if I'm going to stay in Chicago. I keep thinking I should apply for jobs in other states and see what happens. Maybe I'm not meant to do what I want here. And like I've said before, all my close friends want to move away. So, I need to keep my options open. I need money to travel and have my own place and as my friend mentioned, "for a better life." I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, but I could be happier. I just feel like I'm always stuck in a rut or that I always end up back where I started, that not a lot changes. My horoscope for the week mentioned going into the dark forest to find life changing results. I think that's what I need to do: just take some risks and see what happens.

Anyway, enough introspection. This time next week, I'll be living in my new place with my awesome view and awesome pool. It's also Lolla next weekend and it looks like I'm going to work it for Time Out which means free admission! No illegal activity this year. I just hope I get to see the bands I want. Like Radiohead. That's all that matters. I've been so burned out on concerts. I have no desire to go to any although I'll probably check out Wicker Park fest this weekend.

The past couple of days, I've been packing/throwing out my stuff. This weekend I have to move most of it to my friend's place. Then in a month move it somewhere else. I think the change will be good. It's just a pain forwarding mail and waiting to get my deposit back, etc. I will miss living so close to my fave club Evil Olive. I've decided against moving in with my beau, too. It's way too soon and I only should live with someone if we're settling down or something. I've also decided to do the complete opposite with him than I did in my previous relationship. Like taking things slow, letting things progress on their own without forcing or rushing into things, not being a crazy, psycho bitch, keeping my independence, etc.

Last night I saw Dark Knight and I liked it, although I thought it was too long. They shot most of the movie here in Chicago, so it was cool to see the streets I walk on featured. I would've liked more Joker, though. He was the best part of the movie. RIP Heath.