What Now?

Today was officially my last day at Time Out. I'm really sad it's over. I spent almost a year of my life there and now I'm done. Wait, it's not over, it's just beginning. The good news is I'll get paid for everything I write from now on, but I won't be going into the office anymore. I already have three assignments due next week. It's been a bittersweet day. There were moments where I thought I was gonna cry but I fought it off. I think the whole impact will hit me next week when I don't have to go to work. Everyone was so awesome and nice--they even took me out to lunch--but I worry it's going to be that whole out of sight, out of mind thing. I really hope they don't forget about me. Now the real work begins. I have to start pitching ideas, especially feature ideas so I can get some serious work out of it. This will involve doing a lot of reading and spending time wandering around the city figuring out what to write about. Sometimes I feel like everything is futile. I spent almost a year of my life working for free, but for what? What now? Everyone kept asking me today, "So, what's next?" I. Don't. Know. I just don't know and I wish I did. My temp agency called me today and there's potentially a temp gig in the burbs, but I'm fighting off a full time day job as hard as I can. I keep hoping something will come from my internship because I feel like I really deserve it. I made some amazing contacts and hope they'll help me. I still have Pitchfork to look forward to and I know I'm not going to disappear from the magazine, but I feel like I just graduated. Besides Time Out, I also have to pitch ideas to Metromix. At least I have opportunities, but it's all on me now. It's up to me to make things happen, to figure out a way to make a living at freelancing. So, we'll see. There's a lot of changes happening in my life right now, to say the least.

I have to move in 30 days and I have no idea where I'm going to live. I haven't hit panic mode yet, but know I will soon. I know I'm not alone in this as my two roommates and two other friends also have to move by the end of the month. I'm sure everything will work out okay, but I don't want to be moving at the last hour like last time. I'm so glad I won't have to deal with my stupid roommates after a few more weeks. Hopefully I can guarantee wherever I end of living with will be much better than my current situation. One of my friend's today told me she's coming to town the same weekend as Pitchfork (the 17th). I haven't seen her in a while so I'm glad she's coming but that's going to be a crazy weekend, for sure. After that, I'll definitely need a vacation. I can't believe it's already July. Where the hell has this year gone? Where has my life gone? Everything is moving too fast.

I discovered I can watch full-length movies on You Tube, so I've been watching a lot of '80s movies like Valley Girl, The Sure Thing and The Legend of Billie Jean. There's something about the movies made back then...a sort of purity lacking in current films or maybe it's just nostalgia.

I'm really looking forward to the long weekend. I have a couple of parties lined up, so I plan on just relaxing and partying and avoiding wrapping my head around what I'm going to do with everything. I feel like I'm in a good place though. I feel like I have the freedom to do what I want and of course change is always good. Every few months my life goes through a transitional phase and right now I'm going through that. I just need to have faith that I'll end up where I want to be and hopefully where I truly belong. I also keep thinking I don't want to do journalism forever. Inevitably, I want to write short fiction and novels. I should really feel good about my accomplishments. A couple of years ago I tried unsuccessfully to break into Time Out, and now I've just completed a nice long run there. I remember how it seemed impossible at first to write about music for them, and then suddenly this winter I was getting paid to write about music for them, even if it was fleeting. So yeah, I shouldn't be so upset, but still, it's hard to let go. And right now I can't even think about how two of my closet friends here are moving away in the fall. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Until then, let's all just enjoy the summer.