Year End Reflections: Part One

One of the perks with the year ending are all the best of lists coming out. It's giving me a chance to listen to all the music I glazed over during the year. I spent several hours last night perusing through Pitchfork's top 100 songs lists. I listened to every song I hadn't heard and rediscovered some of my faves. It can be a little overwhelming trying to hear everything and a lot of the time I don't necessarily agree with critics lists. But, music is so accessible which makes it easy to acquire everything. 

Even though it's the end of the year, I think I've been busier this week than I've been in a while. I've had a lot of writing to do. I still have to write a 1,200 piece on a band by early next week and of course continue to promote the shit out of Myopenbar. I think the promoting is working as a lot of publications have been linking to our site recently. It's a never ending job. 

There's something strange about the end of the year. There's a certain excitement in the air that quickly dies once January arrives. On Wed, I worked a faux holiday party. I think in some ways, it helped put me in the holiday spirit. The snow and twinkling lights help, too. The next couple of weeks are going to be lost voids of time and space. At the end of the year, people just do their own thing. It's like a black hole sucking people away until the beginning of the year. It's the end and I'm starting to feel nostalgic. I keep thinking about what I did and didn't accomplish this year. I'm trying not to think too much about the new year yet because then I'll really have to work hard at meeting goals. Right now I just want to revel in the year that was and live in the moment. In 2009, things need to be different for me. I want to get into shape. I want things to take off more. I want to travel more. I need to be less stubborn and defiant. I need to visit friends I haven't seen in a long time. I just need to be better all around. But, let's not think about it too much now.

I still don't have definite plans for New Year's Eve. A couple of friends are throwing parties so that's what I'll probably end up doing. NYE is so anti-climatic anyway. I really hate the holiday. It's never what you expect it to be. It's really just another excuse to get drunk except this time with lots of cheap champagne. The strange thing is I spent last NYE with the boyfriend. I think I might've kissed him at some point, but I ended up spending the night with another. Funny. 

The other night I was reading through some old Facebook exchanges I had with a girlfriend from February. I came across this message in response to my friend asking me if I liked the boyfriend. This was of course a couple of months before we got together, before he was my boyfriend, and before I'd even consider him in a romantic way.

I don't really like [the boyfriend] that way. We have made out a few times and sometimes he'll be really touch feely with me when we're hanging out, but I'd never sleep w/ him or anything. He's a cool guy to hang out with and I see him being somewhat neutral b/c it's not like we're ever going to end up together at the end of the night. He can be a little aggressive when he's drunk, too. Don't like that.

Oh, the irony. Or maybe I really did like him in that way and was just trying to talk myself out of it? Isn't it funny how you end up with someone you never thought you'd see yourself with? It's like, boom! Why didn't I think of this sooner? Like a romantic comedy where the female is so repulsed by the male that they end up together. Like the scene in Clueless when Alicia Silverstone realizes she's in love with her ex-step brother. It's  funny how the thing you think you didn't want becomes the thing you really wanted all along. I like how unexpected and unpredictable life is sometimes. Things just have a way of coming together when you least expect it to.  My life has forever been changed as a result. In the new year, it'll be interesting to see how our relationship progresses.

Even though 2009 is on the horizon, I don't feel as panicked as I usually do at the end of the year. I remember when I was a little girl, I'd cry on NYE because I didn't want the year to end. It really upset me to let go and move forward. In my old age, I've learned just to go with the flow of things because you can't stop time. I don't put much weight into these things anymore. We should all be trying to better ourselves all year long. I think the song "Long December" sums things up the best:

"And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last. I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass." 

Savoring those passing moments is something I need to learn to cherish more because they just slip on by you. I think my life is so different than it was this time last year. My circle of friends has changed a bit. People have come and gone. There have been new additions. I really do appreciate the people who are still around and in my life. I know a lot of really great folks. I'm in a completely different yet better place, yet I constantly worry about the future and making shit happen for myself. I constantly change my mind about what I want to do with my life. Do I still want to be a music journalist? I'm not sure. Do I want to stay in Chicago indefinitely? I don't know. Do I want to become a DJ or a publicist? Maybe. Do I want to settle down and get married? I'm still on the fence. I'm nowhere near where I want to be or where I think I should be, but I think I'm on the right path. At least I hope so.