It's not quite Valentine's Day yet, but I've been ruminating on the subject. V-day was always exciting when I was in elementary school. I would anticipate getting one of those Peanuts valentine's from my crush--kinda like Charlie Brown wanting to get one from that little red head. Of course, I never got one of them from any of my crushes. I became jaded at an early age just because Danny Penrod never gave me a valentine in the fourth grade. 20 years later, I don't think I'm jaded anymore. Well, maybe slightly bitter. I don't regret any of my past train wrecks and won't regret any of my future ones. Sometimes I wish they would've worked out differently, but it's all life experience. These experiences, bad and good, shape you. Like that saying, I'd rather have loved and lost then not have loved at all. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. Love is something we're powerless against. We may have control over getting a certain job or where we move, but not love. You can't decide who you fall in love with. It just happens, especially when you least expect it. I'm not in a hurry to settle down. I don't have the incessant ticking of a biological clock. One of my favorite quotes is from the movie Annie Hall:
"I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."I guess I subscribe to Allen's sentiments. We keep going through relationships because eventually we'll get it right, even if we have to live through 10 train wrecks. You just never know unless you try someone out. I think I'm in love with the idea of love. I like the idea, but don't particularly want to be in love right now. When you give yourself fully to someone, you also allow yourself to be quite vulnerable setting yourself up to have your heart crushed. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. You have to live your life. I don't really understand how love can last. People change too much. I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago and 6 months from now I will be different. I guess the key is for you and your mate to evolve together. If you don't, a great chasm will open up between you. So, I don't know how to make it last. Half of America hasn't figured it out. I'm not expecting anything on V-day. It would be nice to receive a special gift though (wink, wink). Not a pig's heart with a stake through it or anything, just some appreciation.
Another thing I've learned is not to take no for an answer. Sometimes doors that seemed shut will burst right open again. I guess I'm experiencing a resurgence right now. Someone who told me a few weeks ago "let's be friends" has since reneged on it, thankfully. So far, so good, but I have my doubts. I have a tendency to take everything personally. Let's say if I text him and he doesn't write back, I automatically think I did something wrong. I'm always worried about sabotaging a relationship or offending someone. I'm also afraid new guy will give me the friends speech again, which would really suck. I just have to try to be coolly aloof and not be my usual needy self. So far I've been able to live in the moment and take it day by day, but of course I wonder when we'll hang out again. Everytime it happens, I wonder if there will be another time. I need to focus on the present, anyway. And what I like about this guy is he isn't drama (unlike Ex Boyfriend and DePaul guy.) He's chill. He's also a few years younger than me. I'm like Cher or Madonna with their boy toys. That'll be his nickname on here. Boy Toy. I'm optimistic about our fate, but who knows what'll happen. I just hope I don't end up doing something stupid like that astronaut.
For the past few days, I've been working at a rehabilitation clinic in their office. I never thought I'd work in medicine, but it makes sense because my dad was a doctor. It's something I've always avoided. I hear a lot of medical jargon being thrown around. Yesterday I learned what lymphoedema was. It makes me appear smarter to know a term like that. I'm being trained to make appointments which is really confusing. They have a color coded system with like 20 colors: sea foam green, red, mauve....I just hope I get that other job soon so I won't have to memorize them. I want a job where I don't have to work too hard.
It continues to be brain numbing cold here. Even the pigeons are huddled on street freezing their feathers off. I talked to my friend in NY yesterday and she's like: "Is is cold in Chicago? It's freezing here. It's 30 degrees!" Is she fucking kidding me? It's 6 degrees here!! Plus in NY the trains are underground. Fucking New Yorkers. Babies. For the first time in months, it's actually still light out around 5:00. It's like God flipped a switch on outside. I think I'm getting sick, too. It's inevitable. Just ride it out. I have to go to a concert tonight which will probably send my health over the edge. Oh well.
R.I.P. Anna Nicole. We'll miss ya. Sorta.
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