A Composite of My Romantic Failures, What I Did Wrong, and What I'll Do Differently

My title sums it up. Relationships are something I can't seem to get right. I am reminded of the book/movie High Fidelity where the main character Rob contacts all his exes to find out why the relationships didn't work. I feel my relationships haven't worked partially because of me, partially because of the men I choose, and partially because most of these men weren't the most, how should I say this, right in the head? human beings.

Since I've vowed not to drop too many personal details and name names, I will use some generalization or trends I have discovered across the board. First of all, I don't really have a type of guy I'm drawn to. I've "dated" (and I really use this word loosely because I don't date, I just "hook up") guys with dark hair, light hair, tall (over six feet), short (5'6"), skinny, athletic, etc. I do tend to like guys who are thin and who have brunette hair, though. I like guys with a sense of humor and intelligence. These are the two most important traits. I like guys who have good taste in music, culture, etc. I like guys who are creative, outgoing, edgy, and somewhat adventurous--not in the outdoor sense. I like guys who are into "hanging out." I like guys who drink. These are just some attributes. I also don't seem to have an age preference as I've "dated" guys from 30-something to early 20s--all in the course of the past year. Age is irreverent. Usually.

What I've done wrong: Using my relationship with Ex Boyfriend as the quintessential example, I'd run him into the ground. I'd panic if I couldn't get a hold of him. I'd yell at him if he was ten minutes late coming home from work. I'd be insanely needy, insecure, and aggressive with him. Granted, he used to drink A LOT to the point where he'd fall off the face of the Earth for a couple of days, so not all of my behavior was unwarranted. But, looking back now, there really was no need for this behavior. There was no need for me to freak out everytime he took a trip. I don't even remember what our fights were about. It all seems so petty now. He did do a lot of cruel things to me, but I do admit I agitated the situations and pushed his buttons a little. My insane neediness has dissipated a lot, but I still want attention. If I message a guy and he doesn't write me back, I get upset. I automatically assume he's blowing me off, either that or lying in a ditch wounded with coyotes swarming him. The latter has never been the case and the former not all the time either. I'm so damn impatient. I hate waiting for a return message to the point where I'll keep messaging until I get a response which usually results in a response of "calm down." I'm excellent at upsetting and stressing myself out. When I was with Ex Boyfriend, I'd stress myself out so much I'd lose 5 lbs in a 48 hr period. Guys are strange. They have a tendency to grow distant and pull away when they lose interest in you. This is a clear sign you're about to get some sort of "let's be friends" speech. Guys also do not like to plan ahead. They'll say: "We'll see each other sometime soon," but who knows when that will be. You can plan something, but they like to flake out. And of course if you keep pestering them, you are labeled "needy," which may or may not be the case. Why do women get slapped with "needy" simply because they want to spend time with someone whose company they enjoy? And why is it acceptable for a woman to come running to meet a guy's beck and call at 2am, but when it's 2am and SHE wants to see him, the guy is like: "I'm tired. I'm going to bed." Fuck that.

Another thing I've done wrong is obsessing. I'll admit there was an incident where I made an ex paramour uncomfortable because I kept seeing him around which caused me to loiter because I wanted to talk to him. In hindsight, I can see why he might have felt, for lack of a better word, threatened. But it still doesn't justify his "extreme" actions and the consequences that followed. He also was deemed "bad news" by a few people. I should've listened. But if you play with fire, you get scorched. I do not know why I obsess. I just want things my way, dammit. Add control issues to the list. Add blogging about private details that should've remained clandestine to the list, too.

What I can do to remedy the situation: Pick better men. That's the first option, although I will probably keep gravitating towards the "bad boys" because they are more fun. I will also keep avoiding a substantial relationship because the idea of that terrifies me. I will also keep choosing "interesting" and "abnormal" over normal because boring sucks. I will not choose guys with severe "emotional issues," "parent issues," ones with addictions, and ones that involve security guards. Secondly, I will not stress so much. I will not get upset if I do not hear an immediate response. I will busy myself with another task and put it out of my mind. I will be more patient. I will not immediately assume the guy has lost interest just because we haven't planned our next get together yet. I will re-instate the two or three day rule giving a guy some space before I start hitting him up to hang out with me. I will keep my emotions in check as best as I can. I will quit sabotaging my relationships (see insecurity and intimacy issues). I will continue to care no matter what. I will let him chase me a little because some mystery is welcomed. I will be as coolly aloof as I know how to be. I will play the friend card then go in for the kill. And most importantly, I will not give up on finding a healthy relationship that does work. Just a little finesse is all it takes. And being blocked from Myspace.