Happy Bunny Day

It's Easter and it's snowing. This weather is ridiculous. I'm beginning to wonder if global warming does really exist. Maybe the erratic weather is a symbol of things to come. I've been in Ohio since early Friday morning spending time with the family, which has been good. I've eaten way too much candy and feel as though I may fall into a diabetic coma. I think I'm going to have to fast for the next couple of days.

I've come to realize that maybe I'm not as messed up as I think I am. Everyone has issues, but not everyone splashes them onto the internet like I do. We all have emotional baggage, but how we handle them is what really matters. I do think I'm really hard on myself–too hard. I beat myself up allowing unnecessary guilt to manifest. Like someone told me, I have no reason to feel guilty about anything. I'm always trying to figure out my life and I want it figured out now, not two years from now. But it's difficult to plan things in advance because they can change so quickly. I do have goals I'm trying to obtain, but life progresses slowly sometimes. You just gotta keep merging forward and work those angles when they come to you. I think I have accomplished a lot, but I always think I could be doing so much more.

I've been thinking about what's important to me right now. Family and friends are essential. There are so many people I want to spend time with, especially those I haven't seen in a while. Keeping in touch with people makes me feel good. I wish I had the money to travel and visit certain people more often, though. Art and literature are important to me as well. I want to always be immersed in these things, read a lot of books, watch movies, go to art galleries, etc. I want to work on my own projects like my PR endeavor and write some books. All these things are the essence to my life. I also need to take advantage of having a hot, French roommate who can teach me everything I need to know about the French culture.

As for relationships, I don't have much control over them. What happens, happens. I do need to have more of a laid back approach instead of stressing and analyzing every detail. I do realize I like guys who are unavailable. I like the challenge of them and in some ways it keeps me from having to commit. Every relationship needs to be a bit of a chase and have mystery to it otherwise it'll grow old fast. I'm at the point where if a relationship did materialize, I'm not going to shun it, but I'm definitely not ready to settle down just yet. I need to live more in the moment and enjoy it while I can instead of worrying about what'll happen next. Guys are so damn fickle. They simply confuse me. One minute they just want to be friends, the next I'm the go-to-girl for their 3 a.m needs. Whatever. I won't question it.

Life is hard. I'm always dealing with a lot of issues the death of my father (which I'm still trying to comes to terms with), the demise of a 5 year relationship, the struggle to be a writer, etc. But, my life isn't so bad. My mom sometimes tells me I should visit a Third World country and then I'll really appreciate my life. Sure, people in the Third World struggle, but they don't worry about relationship issues or holding down a job. All they have to worry about is keeping the flies off themselves. Maybe I'm wrong to say that, but everyone is struggling. The daily struggle to survive is omnipresent in everyone's life. I need to quit being so damn depressed all the time. I bring myself down too much.

Someone told me I'm "self-absorbed." Me? Well, I do have my own blog where I talk about myself. I was trying to justify how I'm not self-absorbed and came to the conclusion I help people through my writing. Writing not only promotes myself, but it also promotes the subject I'm writing about. I write about bands I love in hopes others will listen to them. I endlessly support my friends creative endeavors and do a lot of these things for free, unconditionally. I wish I could do more, but for now I do it in subtle ways. I want to help people anyway I can. As much I as I detest having a day job, I want to do well at it and actually keep a job for once. I want to pay off a huge chunk of my debt. I always want to be out there in the world doing something. I think I am always doing things, but I want the momentum to continue. I don't like it when things remain too static. My life should (and usually is) changing and evolving.

Finally, I want to clarify I don't hate dogs or any animals for that matter. I sometimes think animal owners can be very inconsiderate. The chick who brings her dog into the office, well, she never asked me if I liked dogs or if I'm allergic. I could have some sort of reaction and die and it'd be her fault. My neighbors have two Cujo-like dogs they leave outside. They bark and growl and I can't get to the garage where my car is because they'll maul me. The neighbors don't pick up the dog shit, either. Rude.

I'm off to the open road, now. Five hours of flat countryside ahead and infinite, scattered thoughts running through my head. I hope this coming week will be warmer, more positive, and more fruitful in all areas of my life, especially the relationship realm. I'm hoping good and/or interesting things will happen for me to write about.