Thanks for the Fun

On the train to work this morning, I sat next to a man scribbling in his journal. Being nosy, I kept peering over to see what he was writing. Apparently, it was a Dear John type note to someone--a woman I'm assuming. He mentioned something about trying to make it in the music biz and that he hopes she'll go to therapy. He ended it with: "Thanks for the fun times but they don't compare to all the bad ones." Apparently I'm not the only one with issues. Even 40 year old strangers on the train have relationship problems. I've been thinking about my issues of late. I really blame myself for a lot of things. I'm still beating myself up about an incident I caused a few weeks ago. I take full blame for my obsessions, my stalking tendencies, purposefully playing with fire, knowingly getting involved with the wrong guys, petty fits of anger, impetuousness, calling up guys and yelling at them, insane neediness and insecurities, unconsciously sabotaging relationships, blah, blah, blah. The sabotaging concerns me the most because I do it without at first knowing it then realize what I've done after the wreckage has occurred. It's better to push people away before they push you away but then you end up being the one pushed. Yeah. So, I need to work on some stuff so I don't take these "issues" into another relationship, if that ever comes into fruition. I've improved upon some of my previous issues (ie: neediness, insecurity) and I am able to handle certain situations better, but there are times when I feel complete and utter self-loathing because of certain events/chain reactions I've caused in the past with certain guys. Oh well. You live and then you learn, I guess. I don't want to keep making the same obvious mistakes. I want to be a better girl, lover, person, etc, I'm just not sure exactly how to do it. I think the great Regina Spektor summed it up best:

I never loved nobody fully

Always one foot on the ground

And by protecting my heart truly

I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind

All these voices

I hear in my mind all these words

I hear in my mind all this music


And it breaks my heart.

And maybe this is my problem--I feel like I can't give myself completely to just one person. I'm too scattered to truly commit to one soul. Giving up someone(s) or the idea of someone(s) is hard to do. Today I think I redeemed myself a little. This is important to me (see self-loathing above). I always want things my way. I don't want to take no for an answer even if it means doing things I shouldn't do. I want things to be on my terms. I'm controlling like that. I don't want things to be over because, really, are things ever truly finite? I'm beginning to wonder.

I'm glad it's a new month, but it's still chilly outside. I know what'll happen. It'll go from 50 to 90 and we'll basically skip spring altogether. But, I hope the weather will be blue skied and sunny. I'm looking forward to a few upcoming shows. Good concert season is beginning. I'm not looking forward to the impending train delays that are supposed to be happening. I may have to start driving to work if this gets bad, but so far, smooth sailing. I pray April will be a good month because god knows I could use a fun filled month of positive adventures and lots of progress in all areas of my life especially with my writing and boys. In that order. Gotta keep the momentum up.